Thursday, January 31
Bye, bye, old car, going to Gambia. It gave us good times.

Saturday, January 26
Last night I dreamt that I made an appointment with a beauty doctor to make my face younger. I tell you getting older is okay, but life gets more difficult. Especially when you are a woman. Men are keen about beauty and the older I get the more I feel disrespected by men.
Here a saying that might help :

everything will be okay in the end . if it's not okay it's not the end

Friday, January 25
In two months time I'll be in The Gambia. At the moment I don't feel that much happy to go. Some days ago I was looking forward in a pleasant way. When my roommate, actually he is my husband (me myself I find that expression kind of... I don't know... silly???), just quit I felt fucked up; he made me feel down and very jealous. When he left I asked for a goodbye kiss. I'd thought that kiss would make me feel better, in a way but no way. Yeah, somehow it was sweet. I went to the gym as usual on Thursdays, but I was down and neither dance nor yoga nor sauna could change my state of depression. After, I went out for a drink for not being at home in a martyr way of Dasein. Now, I have to get rid of that stink of alcohol that still designs my blood structure. At least it made my depressions fade into the background. He had bought new shoes, made himself pretty to go there, where? Girlfriend? I don't know. A taboo we don't talk about. I have to accept and respect his lifestyle. As I wrote before I should let him live and I should live my life. And I ask myself what is it that keeps me still in chains. Yeah - do I really want to crack it or is it that I enjoy wearing it around my neck like a jewellery made in Africa ?? No, I don't want to crack it, I like it. That is the fact. Thanks so much to everybody. Respect.

Saturday, January 19
I stay alone. Everybody looks for herself and for himself. The closer new media bring us, the farer we are. They appear to decrease distance and in the end they imply a cool proximity society of mavericks.

Friday, January 18
When I've been talking to people they only cared for my work that gave money. What means that time I've been working for money not much more than a day a week they thought I was not working. But they didn't consider my energy, ambition, soul and life I put into my art work. It's only money that you generate that counts.

Thursday, January 10
Something I found about sleeping:
Sleep is an active process that flows in 90-minutes cycles.
That a good sleeper never awakes is a wrong thesis. Waking up several times a night is part of a sound sleep and physiologically reasonable.
The body adjusts sleep loss through good sleep quality not through sleep quantity.
Regular sleep is crucial, but missed sleep is harmless and actually isn't responsible for the following day's effeciency. Sleep disturbances are not comfortable, but there is no reason for panic.
That sleep before midnight would be the best is a myth. To go to bed early means to wake up early. The first third with its most part of deep sleep appears no matter what time sleep starts.
That tiredness increases during the day is not true. Tiredness alternates every four hours.
The length of sleep is individually different. Some people need only four to five hours. Also people who normally sleep eight hours can reduce their sleep to five or six hours without problems.
(www.schlafgestoert.de)

Tuesday, January 8
Sometimes he says to me: Let me live.
I understand. I've experienced the same. That people hassle me with their anguishes like I would be responsible for them. It happened that their bad vibes really drew me down. To overcome those vibes I had to invent kinda remedy to protect myself.

Friday, January 4
He always tells me that it doesn't matter how we make our life together, but that I should live my life.

Tuesday, January 1
For 2013 I wish that it will be more prosperous than the last one. That things are going easilier and with less antagonisms. That I won't fight, but positive conditions will be given. Smooth and subtle visions of life will wipe out reservations against me and my character.

I've danced the whole night to celebrate the new year. Unfortunately I've lost an earring. I stood at the bar paying my drink, when something fell down. I thought it was money, now I know it was my earring.
Actually I feel guilty that I went out alone, danced with people I ddin't know. Yeah, I feel guilty about doing things that aren't adjusted to a selfdetermined future, but only serve consumption in order to spread fun. When I finally went home around 10 o'clock in the morning I cried. I was sad - why... no clue. On the contrary, whereas I was dancing and listening to the music I was absolutely optimistic. I love music. My mind was just positive and my heart filled with joy. But on my way home that very feeling of happiness was gone and the grey morning took me into its blank reality. Now I am experiencing a vibrating aftermath. Lot of drinks like three guiness beers, a mix drink with vodka, a rum, a whisky redbull and another beer, have given their contribution to choking me into eternalness.
Now at home, lying on the sofa, I realise that my man is not coming home.