Friday, July 20
A guilty conscience needs no accuser...

Thursday, July 19
I take my time for reading. I ask myself why I don't do it when I am not on holidays.

Wednesday, July 18
Here an assembly of Marechera to help describing how I feel because of being rejected too often. Humilation - in these times I thought of a better world:
The void inside me extrudes bitterness from bitter words. What there ever was of you and me is a film of dust that's easily swept away. There is no silence when sound ceases. When I stand still and look through the pitch dark of myself, I reach out for the electricity switch which is not there. Not a shred of emotion lingers; the wind has scoured it all. I had been beaten up before for not behaving like people wanted me to be, especially not expressing appriciation or gratitude and had sat there, eyes open, seeing nothing. He broke the chair on my shoulders. I ponder every day where I should stay; whether solidly in my own mind or in the real Africa of give and take. To burn incense at the shrine of dread seems at best. But to play their game to the grimy end of definitions and counter-definitions of Africanness requires a zest and stamina I do not have.
To be continued.

Tuesday, July 17
I am disappointed and my thoughts are bad. I don't feel respected. I know that is not the first time I write about missing respect. The question of culture is overdue.

Monday, July 16
Wow, I had it done.
At the 11th of July I updated my laptop with snow leopard (apple, they like the jungle). Just to apply a DJ program by native instruments. HAH - then it happened and none if my programs was working. I went to Ingenodata apple support and they told me my programs appeared to be too old for 10.6. But, because I couldn't afford to buy a totally new pack of programs, the only chance I got was to reinstall 10.5. They advised me to erase my harddisk and upload my very first system software to finally reach the state of before. They would do the restoring for 130 Swiss Francs. Bullshit. I wanted to do it myself, but it needed me the whole weekend of trying to get everything proper - the newer system 10.6.3 and all my programs running. I am very proud. By the way, our party was very, very nice.

Sunday, July 15
On our way back home from somewhere, I said to him:
The moment I break faith to you, I know you are doing the same.

Sunday, July 8
Today I am in a good mood.

Friday, July 6
Apropos birthday party, something about to become old (conversely to the anti-ageing movement):
Obvious signs of age are wrinkles and less energy. Diseases. They are revealing mortality. Unblanked age has been that very big enemy of people and a maximum possible war against it started several decades ago. Weapons like Botox and silicon surgery are well-known. In Central European society death has been obliged to stay outside as somebody most ugly since...I don't know. Long time, for sure. Everybody succumbs to the idea of confined beauty to fight death, physically or mentally. But why fear life when death comes one day by itself to sound the bell for the last round. No nude can prevent it. That inevitable fact should be reason enough to respect life as a given condition.

Thursday, July 5
Vexation of spirit is a waste of time. Negative thinking, don't you waste your thoughts. Verbal conflict is a waste of word. Physical conflict is a waste of flesh. People will always be who they want. And that's what really makes the world go round.
Unconditional love is scarce.
Bless your eyes and may your days be long. Bless your eyes and may your dreams come true.
You see, you've always had faith in me and so I'll have faith in you. You've always been good to me, even when I'm not good to myself. You've always been fair to me, even when I'm not fair to myself. You've always done right by me, so I will do right by you. You've always been good to me. You've always been to kind to me. You've always stood up for me. You've always been there for me. You always did care for me. You always did share with me. You always been true to me and so I'll be true to you.
Damien Marley There For You

Wednesday, July 4
Together with my friend Angela and two of her friends I'll celebrate my birthday on Friday, 13th of July. Please find attached the details by clicking on the picture.

Friday, June 29
I've been living in Switzerland for long time. My Swiss German is improving. But to apply my knowledge seems to be impossible. Mostly people switch to Hi-German as soon as my Swiss dialect debunks as not 100 percent correct what means not native. Additionially they stubbornly refuse to talk in Swiss German to me even when I plead with them to speak the language of the country we are living in. I often feel rejected and enclosed in a wall of prejeduces and contempt. Again and again I tell them that I do understand our country's national language very well and that I would be only too pleased to learn it. I ask myself if they subconsciously decline my integration (besides, I've been the proud owner of a Swiss passport for more than twenty years :) Or why is it? It happens they just continue speaking Hi-German to me, like they act deaf to my endeavour. On the other hand, the American Professor of Electronic Music Gerald Benett - I was attending his workshop at Basel Music Academy in the late eighties - once explained to me vividly that I had to learn Swiss German by all means. Otherwise I would never be accepted. Now that I've learned it (more or less, I know that it is NOT perfect), they still don't accept my way of talking. By the way, a lot of people told me that the North German dialact is definitely unpopular. So it is nearly a question of survival. Sometimes I try to imagine, what if I had lived in England that long time. For sure my English would be fluent.

Wednesday, June 27
A lot of drinking and smoking to celebrate the start of my holidays.
Waiting for things to come.

Tuesday, June 26
Actually, I cannot think for myself. Before I do anything I think about how people around me would consider my doing. Everything I do is for being accepted by society. To put it in a nutshell I lead a completely adapted life far from liberty.

Monday, June 25
I cry for you on the kitchenfloor...

Sunday, June 17
We had a sad fight. After my eyes appeared to be blind.

Thursday, June 7
Yesterday evening I attended a cultural event, where I was discriminated because of my age. I had to stand up for my existence by pushing myself from invisiblilty to conspicuity. At the same time I declined myself for finally being included into the group and to engage people's sympathy. In bed at night I felt left alone and the essential question of life came to my mind. Why should I continue. Now, daytime, I don't feel happy, but better.

Wednesday, June 6
I am not supposed to spend money for things I do not like.

Friday, June 1
I FEEL LIMITED