Friday, May 25
Don't let others determine your self... I've applied for the master degree studies of fine arts in Zurich. They didn't take me and now I am trying to get over it. Its like that. When you apply somewhere and you are rejected you first cannot believe what happened. A mixture of loss and hope covers your feelings of disappointment. Again and again you ask yourself what went wrong. What could you have done better. Then there is the absolute change of your future. I had organized the following two years and conceived what I would do with my degree. In the blink of an eye the whole world changes and your demolished plans lie in front of your feet. No tears ever can rebuild them. Of course there is a survival instinct that finds out the issue's advantages i.e. now I have more time and money. By the way, the whole matter had cost me a pretty penny. I tell you, they don't even send back my documents from that. By a sternly composed letter they request me to pick my work on a date of very brief span. Not only that, furthermore they threaten to throw my documents if I don't do so. To conclude, after all they humiliate me beyond my already required misery. What leads me to a possibly additional advantage of not spending my time with them: you never know what they would have done to me during my master studies just out of spite.

Sunday, May 13
I've made the uneven path to come, but I didn't get much to make my way home. I think it is not about respect, but about competition and prosperity. Who is the best. No, that's not my style.

Sunday, May 6
As I've mentioned before, my aunt has been very sick. During a long period of time I got all the news about her via phone. More and more these sad stories were conquering my head. Finally I made it to drive to Hamburg to see her with my proper eyes. Wow, I feel much better now. Everybody told me that her condition had improved massively. Of course, to me she looked a little scary at first glance. I hadn't seen her for two years and the obvious difference of her looks was alarming. Though, it was nice to talk to her and to touch her body, even when it felt like a skeleton. It was like a mental picture materialised into a physical dimension. And not only that - a kind of sophisticated interference - but an emotionally based experience that is solely possible by being together some time. In other words, good for my soul, I tell you, and hopefully good for hers too.

Sunday, April 22
I feel cold. Hopefully summer will come soon.
For illumination and warming a short novel by my poet friend Ivo Zanoni. Dukaten

Friday, April 20
Human nature is tricky. Despite humanist attitudes we deep inside wish something bad for others just to feel better. Of course it's not a question of rationality - we practice benevolence - because obviously there is no reason to wish for our friends to fail or break down.
Sometimes it's difficult to be straight forward, especially when certain people achieve to make me feel small and losing access to my life. I am starting to be a servant in their life script and my own life becomes less important, not to say: there is no "my life" anymore... Then I have to be very strong to resurrect premises again. To prevent that destroying each other's basic conditions best solution is exchangeing and taking convenient part in each others lives. Anyhow, there are those stubborn individuals who are anxious not to abandon their blinders - mostly those who, to overcome their jealousy and make themselves feel better, enlarge their size by subconscious warfare. Denying consiousness they behave quasi pure heartedly - they are brave people, the correct part of the system -, but at the same time they are on the road of defeat.

Tuesday, April 17
If one asserts - it's like a dream came true-, she or he can consider themselves outmost happy.

Saturday, April 14
This morning, when I've arrived at work after having partied with Movado, I immedately thought of one of my very first jobs at a newspaper kiosk at the main station in Hamburg hundred years ago. I ask myself why it is that I still do those menial jobs instead of being my own boss and setting up my life self-determinedly. Maybe it is because like one of the selectors said: Between backstage (the room of the artists to repose and prepare for work) and You (the audience) is a wall. Probably I've never been hot enough to melt that wall. And, how life goes, by advancing in age prospects to enter such kind of closed-door policy seems to be getting worse. Now, that I am here at my desk waiting for the time to run - like sitting in a plane and longing for a swim in the sea - I 'm browsing through Aminatta Forna's book The memory of love and I found a conversation between two men and a boy about infinity.

One of the adults tries to explain child what infinity means:
Adult: My father once explained to me how to think of infinity.
Child: What did he say?
Adult: He told me think of a big block of stone a thousand miles long, a thousand miles high, and a thousand miled wide.
Child: That's a huge block!
Adult: A huge block. OK, now imagine a tiny bird, like a sparrow.
Child: What's a sparrow?
Adult: Well, any tiny bird. Like that one! - He points at a movement between trees. - Now imagine that bird lands on the rock once every thousands years.
Child: Every thousand years?
Adult: Yes. And then imagine it wipes its beak once on one side, and once on the other side. How long do you think it would take for the whole rock to be worn away?
Child: A very, very long time.
Adult: Yes. Not quite infinity but very close to.
Child: Only the bird would die first.
Both of the adults laugh.

Thursday, April 12
The problem is: who decides what is African culture and what is not? The only thing that culture guarantees is that it will change and is dynamic.
from Mukoma Wa Ngugi, African Feminism and the dilemma of class

Monday, April 2
I like that one:
When I text you it means I miss you. When I don't text you it means I am waiting for you to miss me. :)