Thursday, 13
to add two more faces - stingy and polemic - stingy, actually i try not be stingy, but i like to live, that's why. polemical, i don't know, a bad habit that comes out sometimes. thinking of a record (MALOLA collection) by henry rollins

Honig um den Bart schmieren - to schmooze, is what i find in dictionary. to talk sweet and, i tell you, that is what i've learned from The Gambians, it is to do somebody good. german speakers don't like it too much. they are wary by nature. even behind joyful things they assume a sneaky purpose.

Wednesday, 12
blessed are those who can afford to live a simple lifestyle rich in human values
m.j. commented on Jose Mujica

Tuesday, 11
i’ve asked my mom to give one of her diaries to me. as a present. here and then she's been talking about - recording her travels, putting pictures, memoranda. no, she said, they were private. compared to mine which were public, she repeated her's were personal and not meant for nobody. sooner or later she would throw them. only the ones she was keeping about her grandchild, maybe them she would hand over to my niece, sooner or later.

Monday, 10
... the landlord and the shoehorn - we've found the shoehorn in one of our shoes, so he didn't take it. the picture is there, really wonder if it can give him a smile.

i know, when you are old you shouldn't move to much into the past. but sometimes it's more comfortable. for example, i think living conditions are better nowadays and i realise it is for the young people - then i remember the time i traveled to new york and get a nice flow. i loved that 24 hour life.

Sunday, 9
tall and light blond - he strolls the city. this morning at coop pronto, him there watching the products obviously with interest, slowly walking from one shelf to the other, eventually regarding the extensive selection of wines. yesterday, at unternehmen mitte - still around. i know him from university. that time he had been an active, brave student. some years later i saw him running the streets shouting loudly, a hobgoblin talking to himself. i realised, he had become nuts. never in company, distracted, always dressed tidily, his face now puffy, probably because of medication. yesterday, I wanted to keep him in mind, but after a while my second topic (apart from the landlord story) went into oblivion. this morning he's appeared like to let me know is me again, here, among the living, i am still there, nuts or not nuts. yeah, i thought - good to see you. i almost forgot.

Saturday, 8
my shoehorn and the landlord
on the wall next to my entrance door - the landlord couldn't agree: a shoehorn on his wall. some automatism told him to put it down, me to put it up again. he put it down, me i put it up again... because some of my shoes are very tight, it is suitable for use (and not meant as art work). so why not placing it alongside our shoe cabinet, which is outside our flat next to our entrance door. nonetheless, somehow he doesn't like seeing a shoehorn on the wall, his wall - instead of a framed picture. before - into the former frame i had seated a pic of 9/11 the time I moved in - he didn't complain that I had exchanged it with the romantic drawing. probably, he didn't realise, because Its charming mountains corresponded very well with its smoke clouds of the burning towers. however, today, he stole my shoehorn. he didn't just remove it, but took it with him. am living at the top floor, where nobody passes, except when people need something from their garret. a shoehorn on the wall doesn't block the way of nobody, but - the landlord's sense of beauty. anyhow, some artist gave a good idea to make a peace with him: hang a framed photo of a shoe horn - and, hopefully - he will smile.

Thursday, 6
Die ist falsch I overhear people saying this. It is meant as a mortification, an emotional advance lifting the offender into an advantageous postion of looking right, correct, doing good. A quite common behaviour... Somebody needed to challenge and diss me. "She is a German, we cannot leave her like she is, we have to change her. But first we let her work for low money and position her where she won't be a danger - I am a champion" Me, now, at this moment in 2014, think of Die_Schweizermacher. My Swiss dialect was too bad, her High German very trained and I was blinded what before them they accused me of. She was always better. Then she stamped me as being double faced. She accused me of imitating signatures, of wearing black. I was bruised in the chest. In the bones. I cried tears nobody could see. No, I shed crocodile tears- Writing here about is meant as a prevention of such thing not to let happen again, being deadly hurt by nobody (think of in The Gambia entering a new society again...).
However, what does being double faced mean -? For sure I have more than just two faces. May it be selfconfident, lazy, bountiful, craven, boisterous, tired, dependent, self destructive, shy, depressive, psychotic, schizophrenic or what ever. It is like it is. To say it clearly, I don't mean masks. Them appear additionally to hide the naked truth of my then character I am ashamed of unveilling. I am not an actor, unfortunately. I don't choose -purposely- from a collection of tidely displayed characters. They mostly approach generated by a given athmosphere and take shape passing a filter that, admittedly, is produced by myself subconsciously. I am wrong and I am proud of it.

Wednesday, 5
As every year now is time to worry about health insurance. Do I have to change - actually that stress is over, because you have had to do so by end of September. Because I chose the cheapest insurance that point wasn't my worry. However, am into the highest franchise possible - 2500 francs - what means I pay only 1500 CHF per year. What is actually not bad. But this year I had a lot of costs, for checking everything, x-ray, weaknesses caused by a changing hormon level, a general indisposition since half a year. So all the money I've spent for body concerns hit the 2000 pain barrier. The question arises if I should reduce my franchise for the next year. - think, think, think - I will not. I am not sick. That is what we found out, the doctors and me. What means I won't need any expensive medication or operation or whatever. And, I'll be better prepared for my future in The Gambia, where I'll even pay cash and no insurance is provided. To see a doctor for every here and then for nothing won't be reasonable. Stop being a hypochondriac...

Monday, 3
know, i am thin-skinned and easily bruised - read a tweet: Make sure your worst enemy doesn't live between your own two ears.

someone called me to announce a visit - in particular to see my studio in the attic. there was no question if i would like or any polite attitude towards me being an artist. it was more like in a poker game - let me see. by the way she talked always of her and someone else as - we want to see - majestic plural, of course, my gracious lady.

Sunday, 2
Yesterday I frequented my bed like more or less all the time. Last night I've slept 12 hours. Today I cannot complain: oh, I am so tired. I am not tired today.