Tuesday, 30
I've found a new dentist, a nice, friendly woman. I think my former has been retired or something alike. She said the amalgam in my mouth wouldn't be a problem unless I had pain. Even my teeth she considered alright, appropriate to age. She asked me: ... or do you want teeth of a twenty year old?

More and more I notice and observe dysfunctions of my body. I just hope that some may dissappear after a while or I'll get used to living with them in peace.

Monday, 29
First watched World Trade Center, Oliver Stone, and afterwards, now, am rewatching Shame, Steve McQueen - New York. Interesting, isn't it?

Wednesday, 24
There are now at least two small babies in the house. In the morning passing them flats I hear their voices while their mothers make some noise somewhere in the kitchen or elsewhere. Kinda peace radiates from behind the doors and I feel the mothers' completeness. Something beloved that belongs to them what makes them down to life.

Tuesday, 23
My easiest, most relaxed moments are those when I don't fear death or sickness or loneliness- I think then life is close to me.

Monday, 22
You know I am bit tired of gender discussions. One day someone told me to make my man happy I should surround him with women. Then he would be happy and more easy. I like women and why should I misuse them for an egoistic purpose. NO, I would never do so deliberately. Only when my friends like to be with me and him, why not. But there is no force for me to do such thing.

Saturday, 20
A German friend who has been living in the Kombo for more than twelve years once told me seriously: Maren, Africa makes you old - oh well, humans are born to grow old.

My aunt, she is my confident. She is a patient and attentive listener. Of course she knows about my plans. On first hand I display my hopes, my visions and all positive thoughts about leaving here to build something new at the so-called Smiling Coast. But every time I mention a complexity I am about to get over, she says: Have a second thought about. Reasonable to think through thoroughly - but now is time to think about particulars. The final decision is set. With her we start from the beginning every time and question the basic idea again and again. That gives me a chill and makes me kinda depressive - sometimes.

Friday, 19
I have exactly 15 months to prepare for emigrating to my husband's country of origin, The Gambia. Before Christmas next year paperworks have to be completed.

However, relevant to recent times, working disciplinedly is better than using drugs and similarly effects shifting your mind into a visionary state.

Cleaning Day. Me I minded. Haven't I wasted time? ... Anaïs in San Francisco, spring 1949: The front room is flooded in sunlight. I wash dishes, I clean the apartment, I market. I never minded the monotony of housework as long as my life has its lyrical climaxes, its high moments, the certitude of full living.
A night of fog. Music on the radio. Leave the past alone except to fictionalize and transform, and turn sorrows into tales.
(...) I am not refusing to grow and mature in the so-called mature world, but I cannot grow in arrogance, in a hard finish, in a gold-plated irony, in the impertinence and cynicism of the wealthy.
(...) When I need drugs, when the present is unacceptable I reread (...) people who never refused or eluded experience, for whom experience of life was primary motivation, who were unafraid of love, sex, even madness or evil.

Tuesday, 16
The smell of the Rhein is strong today - like masquerading as sea and telling: don't go, I'll give you the sea you are looking forward to. Some moments I am scared and I know to cut loose will be no walk in the park always. I am not strong in changes. To pass from one life to the other seems difficult, I prefer arriving to leaving. It should go organic, not too much stress. In the way, I am sure I am doing good and I like what I am doing. My mother said dryly: You know what you are doing. She is right, yes, I know what I am doing. One of my friends emigrated to Japan four months ago. He is backing me - thank you - bless

Of course, as a matter of fact, I am now into reading Anaïs Nin. Her diaries during her time in Mexico. I am jealous not having led a life like her. Anyway, emigrating to Africa makes me feel more consequential.

Monday, 15
A very mild evening though I know winter isn't far. Yeah, life is perfidious, you think you are fine and in the next moment something happens that changes everything. You meet someone, you fall in love and a new world opens up that lets you fly into a deep valley where fleshy flowers bogart you. Eyes become big like globes, a throat full of dust. That is the end, my dear, no tears for forlorn fears.

Sunday, 14
I am tired and it happens when I come home there are people who don't care, not deliberately, but they are in a different spiritual world at that moment when I just return from work, empty and not all inspired. Still I stay polite even deadly exhausted - and then I get depressed, because of not being able to communicate.

Saturday, 13
This morning I've killed a spider. Not a big one, around two inches. I was sitting on the toilet spotting it in a groove next to the door. I looked at it seriously, but it didn't wanna move. Okay, I thought, this is my bathroom. I came back after ten minutes seeing it in the same position at the same place. Sorry - wrapped in toilet paper it followed the pipes of the sewage. May God be with you.

Sunday, 7
a day in a life - lucky are them who enjoy

The suppression of inner patterns in favor of patterns created by society is dangerous to us. Artistic revolt, innovation, experiment should not be met with hostility. They may disturb an established order or an artificial conventionality, but they may rescue us from death in life, from robot life, from boredom, from loss of the self, from enslavement. Diary Of Anaïs Nin: Vol. 5 (1947-1955)

Saturday, 6
The Diary, creating a vast tapestry, a web, exposing constantly the relation between past and present, weaving meticulously the invisible interaction, noting the repetitions of themes, developed in the sense of the totality of personality, this tale without beginning or end which encloses all things, and relates all things, as a strong antidote to the unrelatedness, incoherence and disintegration of the modern man. I could follow the inevitable pattern and obtain a large, panoramic view of character. Anaïs Nin
M.J.fb

Thursday, 4
I feel tired and exhausted.
I know there are not a lot
who support me.
Only a few are interested.
Some fight me - as if I am about
to take something from them.
I feel it.
Many patter empty words
to leave me
feel down
afterwards.
No heart, no soul.
They consider their society civilised
the richest countries in the world
they just can't get enough.

Wednesday, 3
Just let me go.

Tuesday, 2
Not a role I have been provided with or even been taught to. Being into predominant behaviour. On the contrary, people want me just being nice, no objection. Anyhow, at times I feel a knot in my chest. An urgent feeling of not doing what people want me to do. You know am friendly and caring and that is how people like me and want me to be. But when it comes to develop and realise my wishes people thwart -sometimes. Where is respect. Look out for them who give it to you.

Monday, 1
There is all this amalgam in my mouth I still worry about. One tooth on my left mandible is almost built of it. I feel the metallic voltage between my jawbones. You know I worry if it affects my body. Lastly I had a pain everywhere. In the morning I hobble heavily because my heels ache. You know I worry I cannot make it to realise my plans living in Africa. Yes, I am really worried that I wasted my life just to make the living never leading a life designed by my own ideas. It's exactly 12 years ago that I stepped on African ground for the first time. And I loved it and it was only the need for money (an instilled sense to take the path of prudence that didn't come from my heart, but was like being controlled by an external force) that made me going back. So now I worry I cannot make it, dying because of the amalgam in my mouth. You know I want it, I want to build kinda loft. I've already drawn the floor plan. It is there in my head. And it is less than two years, they told me, yeah, you know, my heart was jumling when I realised I will get some money. But I have to emigrate before the first of July 16. After les jeux sont faits. I'll be considered retired, that's what they told me, so I will get only a monthly amount of money that will put the final elctronic tag on me. You know, I have to be very strong. And I love everybody who is strong with me to realise my African dream.