Tuesday, 29
Someone said to me: Don't hesitate. What a nice advice. Often I linger in hesitation, captured in restraint. Better to do than not to do :)

- blank mind, just empty, preparing like a robot for to go to work -

Sunday, 27
Sacrosanct - a bottle of wine and weed, asparagus and prosciutto. On my way home down to the basement a packet of cigarettes came flying to my feet. Today I think I should have left them on the floor, but last night like in a dream reckoning a present looked meant for me I pursed them. I marvel how alcohol changes self perception, mostly an overvaluation. Until now I've been accompanied by a guardian angel preventing me from doing worse, but it's always a balancing between should or shouldn't I. Nevertheless, when drunk a don't-do-it version should be favoured. - Anyhow, was an amusing evening - he had been traveling Lagos in 1983, Fela Kuti live at the Shrine. So he advised me to go to the Shrine. Sure I will.

Saturday, 26
I appreciate laid back moments when everything is cool and I don't care, not afraid of losing something or dying.

crawling through the city - today -mmy head swelling at the sound of fear - the rain stayed away like a dry tear in the face of a hardened face of youth - for the truth is maccievelli is dacing to fall like they did in the fifteen hundreds - watch the sun rise yet the you feeel the cold iron inside your head and time doesn't pass it just lingers on my bones - and the shadows crawling for my soul are becoming longer - as reason colides with my generation as we learn about the sysiphus song .... wailing on the road of hope - wailing in the dreams - just come crawl down the city - the blues are heavy like tomorrow is a bag of sorrow - maybe true maybe not - but still we rise from the hard times...
Thokozani Mthiyane, fb timeline

Friday, 25
I am even more tired than yesterday.

Thursday, 24
I am tired.

Wednesday, 23
At work we've been talking about aquariums, fishes and overbred dogs.

Tuesday, 22
Someone told me that I were neurotic. Long, long, long time ago I was used to that expression as part of daily life, not in negative connotation, but as an insprirational energy. Let's check wikipedia:
"Neuroticism is a fundamental personality trait in the study of psychology characterized by anxiety, moodiness, worry, envy, and jealousy. Individuals who score high on neuroticism are more likely than the average to experience such feelings as anxiety, anger, envy, guilt, and depressed mood. They respond more poorly to stressors, are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening, and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult. They are often self-conscious and shy, and they may have trouble controlling urges and delaying gratification. Neuroticism is a risk factor for the "internalizing" mental disorders such as phobia, depression, panic disorder, and other anxiety disorders, all of which are traditionally called neuroses."
The question is to what extent one is entitled to let out extraordinary patterns and at the same time has the chance to deflate, to come down. Some people don't have any chance and are just advised to mental hospital.

Monday, 21
I wonder what life has in store - apart from death (TK)

Sunday, 20
When you are a woman and you put all your existence only into that one fact then you shouldn't be surprised when other women mean a danger for you.

Someone told me about Lagos:
youd have fun im sure. make sure you go to all the different beaches. Badagry, Lekki, Bar Beach, etc.
Takwa bay
youll be fine over there, its quite safe. just hot and humid and crowded

Saturday, 19
speaking of technic and art: Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art.
Charlie Parker

Sleeping is the best. After everything that seemed to be too crucial before appears then as easy.

Friday, 18
...we don't need pressure...

When growing older thinking about yourself is almost a sin. It's all about the Youth.

Thursday, 17
Musicians, when you see them playing their instrument you feel their music and you adore them. But then, when you see them under different - more like everyday - circumstances suddenly their spell is missing. That is a melancholic experience.

Today I am doing the washing while cursing about all the injustice in the world.

Wednesday, 16
My father wrote an SMS to me where he mentioned me as small life - when I was still unborn (my mother had been pregnant when she studied medicine at University Freiburg i. Breisgau what is not far from Basel). I've stumbled about giving life a size. Long life, short life - alright, I am used to that one. But big life, small life - no, that one never came to my mind. I would guess it is a kind of biological point of view: the bigger a body the bigger life is. I met them on Monday enjoying the gigantic sound of the Dome, a wonderful lunch, shopping and diving into the past comparing memories.

Tuesday, 15
I've thought about my Sunday message and that people might have misunderstood. It is not that I don't respect human life as such, and from our subjective view we want to live as long as possible. To perceive the beauty of life I think is most important, but from a more distant point of view we can consider human life as something very ephemeral.

When I don't write it is either because I don't have time or I have nothing to say.

Sunday, 13
This morning as sometimes on Sunday mornings my domain's provider hasn't been accessible. I think that is the time they work on their servers. When their clients are sleeping. To deliver my Sunday message subsequently: Human life is short, no matter how long we live.

Saturday, 12
Yes, I am looking forward to my journey to Nigeria! What I want to do there - to find out how to continue my artwork. In other words to come down, become quiet and empowerment for to cover summer with my work. I've heard and I know that a lot of famous artists come from Lagos. It is a place of business, but also of contempory art and music. For preparation and for reading there I've downloaded: Chinua Achebe, No Longer at Ease; Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche, The Thing Around Your Neck; Sefi Atta, A Bit of Difference; Chinyere Echefu, The Tragedy of Desire; Teju Cole, Open City; Helon Habila, Wating for an Angel; Kwabena Date Bah, Malaika; Chuma Nwokolo, The Ghost of Sani Abacha; Yewande Omotos, Bom Boy; MK Usua, Pidgin English; Kaye Whiteman, Lagos: 5; Diane Lemieux, Nigeria - Culture Smart; Angela Davis, The Meaning of Freedom.

Today work at museum. I hope it will clear my mind. I have to get rid of anxiety states that happen here and then. I know I talk about not for the first time - fears of doing or having done wrong, feeling excluded, failing to get access to people. It is a question of the the the state of mind what means an awareness of reasoning within life. No, I am not mocking, anxiety states are making you blind and losing control, something I wish for nobody. Never.

3.50 in the morning. Headache. Worrying. At the moment my life is not that good. Yesterday I was crying behind my sunglasses hoping nobody sees. I wrote before about feeling lost. It's not that I really feel lost, because I have to continue my life and work. So I have to behave and be correct and lead a normal life. But what is is is it that makes me drink drink drink and not being able to stop. After, even worse - catastrophe - whining how bad I feel and prayers not do it again. And fear that most people start to look down on me, because of my so special, self-destructive life. Tell me, why is it that life seems so hard that only drinking makes it bearable. Life is difficult, I tell you.

Friday, 11
Everything will be fine. She will be strong, isn't it? Finally, I don't know. No, for me it's not about fight. I know about our history. Different kind of views, but not fight.

Wednesday, 9
I tell you: the man I am still married to has been learning to speak German, what is definitely an achievment, because his mother tongue is non-Indogermanic . In the beginning, ten years ago, we talked a lot of English. Of course I liked that, but indeed the official language here is German. So, since long time we've been talking in German. He reads a lot, also listens to television. What I want to say: his German is very good. But, my closest friends, even scientists and very educated people ask him why he doesn't speak Swiss German. It's not that they acknowledge his German, but convey that it would be better he spoke Swiss German. I tell you, I am desperate.

Tuesday, 8
One thing that makes me most depressive: when i feel people don't communicate with me and i don't find a way to communicate with them, because i know they would be vexed if i contacted them. this happens especially then when my being there is not fancied. then among a people who are very sure about their being there running away seems the only option. at times i just went running, headless. as a matter of fact things weren't better when i came back. Now my remedy is to concentrate on doing something that makes me feel proud after. like writing for example. when i don't have another option than contemplating about life what again could be interpreted as abundant. planning is one of my favorite occupations.

Sunday, 6
something I cannot get out of my head: the following morning he said to me: I see you still fighting a lot

She is so many people, she is not everywhere, she is somebody. Every step she is doing has a meaning beyond surface. She achieved a lot. One day, she repeats, she will be very rich. She comes from a huge rich family, but at the moment she has to struggle. She is proud. She doesn't want to ask them for help. She is a strong lady, she gets her way.

Saturday, 5
just waiting for this day to come to an end. dawn appears slowly, soon darkness will free me of the pressure to be lighthearted. i've found out crying doesn't help. however still that dry cry in my chest is watering my eyes, but tears - no.

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I am an Emanze, but I even wanna stay kinda ladylike. However, duties should be shared by both genders, not like women have to serve men to be accepted by them.

Friday, 4
I've been educated for behaving responsibly towards humanity (I come from a doctor's family and doctors' ethics consider human life as something to sustain) - one of my strongest obstacles to free myself from a given structure.

Thursday, 3
Sometimes, there are moments, I feel best thing to do would be killing myself. Then everything would be finished, no more despair (I know they say those people who talk about suicide are not those who really do it). Damn, I really feel for those who have done it - strong ones. I'll not do it. I think because I don't know how to do it from one moment to the other - I am coward finally. After some minutes I find a means to affirm life as something to keep. I write it here not in expectation of somebody to rescue me - I know that will not happen, as I said before, I am talented in rescueing myself and people know that, but just to get over that feeling of despair.
- my comment in the evening being aware of : it's only about ME and not at all an advice for anybody to prove not to be coward (hope I am clear - suicide is not something to adore, but the surviving suffer a lot about and feel for them who have done)

Time to take shower and get up. (9 am in Basel)

What is it that I am looking for? Of course I would be happier if I was a recognized artist embedded in a program of exhibitions, talks, events whatever. Wow, you know how good that would be instead of being jammed behind the the the counter condemned to waiting. Anyhow, as I consider myself as talented I don't give up my style. And even getting madder, crazier, spacier. Transgressive. Provoking, doing like I shouldn't. Doing like people don't do.

Wednesday, 2
I have to work to get money to live and at the moment I cannot give up my employment. But one day, that is my dream, I'll move to a beautiful place and have a peaceful life - probably The Gambia. Soon I am going to Nigeria. There I'll work on seeing things from a distant point of view dividing entanglements and connecting reasonable processes.

Tuesday, 1
At this moment in the night of strife it is me who is talking (not the muse :):

I am in a kind of complicated relationship. My friends and colleagues consider it as not very comfortable; most of them feel pity for me. They ask me why I cannot make changes. From other ships I've heard - women who accept another woman in their relationship. Good, when it works. For that kind openness is necessary which lets every part of the trio feel confident and a feeling of missing would be spared. An arrangement, a bargain, an agreement. Difficult. In this our relationship I've often asked for frankness. Though, any comprehension expected from my side was rejected with harsh power. No emotional confidence was required, but serving in sight of continuing a kinda safe life till a better solution would have been found. Either I had to accept, what I did, because you cannot force somebody to be open - a talent not everyone is given - or had to state that I couldn't bear that behavior, what I did not, because I could and still can bear it. And here we are, everyone making the best out of it. No emotional commitment. Far from romance. No solution. None of us willing to make the final step of absolute separation. Both waiting for something to happen by destiny.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no muse to appear as long as I am tired. Then, when I am tired, it's just the bones who ask for an undefined sleep. Exasperation doesn't lead to a pleasant state - a premise to let the muse speak.