Monday, 31
My muse is sleeping. I wonder for how long and in what kind of shape she'll appear.

Sunday, 30
What means humanity compared to the universum? Nothing. (my oppinion)

I don't fuck people up. By now you should know that.

One of my former museums collegues, who I liked much and who's been retired quite a time, has three daughters. About the eldest, who is about my age, she told me, had removed her uterus when she was twenty five to prevent having children. Modern times and still archaic.

Living together meant also planning things together, like going out, cinema, cultural events, concerts, traveling - to me. We've taken on a preferable way of life. It is most of the time we look for our things independently. Here and then we meet in the living room and bandy some words about life. Sometimes we eat together, when convenient. I think that is a progress in living. More liberty and self determination.

Saturday, 29
The rain may or may not fall, but one thing is certain: you will get a harvest only if you planted something in the field.
It's important to do anything in our power to ensure our success. But we also need to let the universe take its course. Getting mad won't help. Dwelling on a situation only takes energy away from us, while yielding few positive results.
Beatty Melody, More Language of Letting Go, Hazeldon 2000

I am old enough and should know how life is. But here and then I am haunted by fears (anxiety states) of doing wrong, feeling excluded and left alone misunderstood. That arising emotion I call depression, when I lose my strength to support myself, but get trapped by other's then stronger vibes and lose interest doing anything - because everything seems futile. This happens ever then when I am in good mood, openhearted and ready to mingle. Just being me self without any purposes. Lets say enjoying life, being happy. After I feel disappointed coming back home empty handed.

Friday, 28
Give chance to the youth !
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Some may have noticed that I've dropped the month here. I've replaced it on top at the navigator (path) line. Changes happen.

Thursday, 27
I tell you don't listen... this babylon picture. my parents came to visit me in our studio (MALOLA). when my mother saw my drawings, she was scolding me and said: was ist das für ein geschmiere. just telling me that i didn't do good. of course not the first time, mostly she considered my partners as more talented. (when i wanted to survive i should follow them) what she remembers of that very visit was me dancing. she found interesting i think, no lamenting about my dance (actually dancing in front of my parents appears awkward to me, now). anyhow, knew my mother had a kind of grounded instinct so i contemplated her advices to rescue myself. enlarging photos as an understandable intervention was kinda implication.

Wednesday, 26
To see this being caged means to find ways to free yourself. By any means. By doing. Traveling. Creating. Communicating. Open your eyes. And see how life is. Don't fear people, when they fight you on your way just keep on going. Don't mind them, it's their business. It's not you who is meant. It's an inner struggle they cannot solve for themselves. You must not know their story to understand, just feel their story and forgive them, because they are not yet on their way to free themselves. You are the one, who knows.

My friend has been for holidays recently. After working for one week she told me she reached running inside the hamster wheel (rat race) again. What humans developed for the petty animal came out to be finally a metaphor of their own life.

Tuesday, 25
Dumb Girl, Mustapha Jinadu

Monday, 24
Watching a person, whom you adore, in a weak condition (for example seeing a close somebody drunk, ill, losing selfcontrol) - one, who normally is capable to move mountains, but now has to be backed by others - can be kinda affecting to your soul. Difficult in that moment of deep empathising is to accept that this time it's you who has to be strong and leading.

Sunday, 23
That one I am most afraid of - to lose my facility to think.

When I'm with my family or friends, he feels safe and free to see other women. But when there is a male potential lover approaching, he sticks to me like a figleave - she says.

Friday, 21
While searching for something I met upon an old version of babylon produced shortly after I returned from my exchange program in South Africa 2003. These drawings were kind of crazy expressive - would I dare do so nowadays...?? No. Indeed, when I made them I was fine with them and not at all felt like a lunatic.

Thursday, 20
- some are more -
everybody who follows me here knows that i detest competition when it's just about a power game which is not an independent contest - hello, what is it all about. for me it's about being close to somebody or not, but not about being better - full stop
everything about my past what i did i am aware about - a lot of mistakes, wrong interpretations, lapses, breakdowns, surrenders - still am looking for innovative strength questioning given formalities (some might call that poor energy, but i prefer to dance Sabar with my friend Sarjo)

I tell you women are difficult. I've been hurted by every of my friends not only once. Compared to them my male friends are very mild.

Wednesday, 19
- As I contemplated the silent world before me, I thought of the many romantic ideas attached to blindness. Ideas of unusual sensitivity and genius were evoked by the names of Milton, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Borges, Ray Charles; to lose physical sight, it is thought, is to gain second sight. One door closes another, greater one opens. Homer's blindness, many believe, is a kind of spiritual channel, a shortcut to the gifts of memory and of prophecy. -
Teju Cole, Open City, 2011

Tuesday, 18
Hey, Kindle, that is a new way of reading. I don't have to carry heavy books with me, but I have them all in one. I can choose the font and the size of the letters. Really, reading is more comfortable that way. Further I can switch from one book to the other, adding comments, bookmark and share easily.

My belly is growing, shit, I am getting fat.

Mornings is in springtime imbuing. Longing for change, for a prosperous life is thriving increasingly.

Monday, 17
My Blue Jeans I wore on Friday at Gentleman Silly Walks Sound System smelled of smoke so I put them into the laundry on Saturday. This morning while ironing I've watched myself in the mirror and thought the jeans you are wearing at the moment are a bit slack. Why not taking those from Friday (not yet washed) and just iron them. A slight smell of smoke mixed with small perfume is still with them, but will be ok for today.

Sunday, 16
'Well, as I said there is a condition. And the condition is there is a condition but you'll never know what it is. There is a condition though and it will come and when it comes, you'll know this is it but you don't know what you're waiting for and you don't know when it's coming. That's the condition.'
'A life of dread?' Leke asked, in the dream.
'No,' the babalawo shook his head. 'Just life.'
Bom Boy, Yewande Omotoso, Modijaji Books, 2011

Saturday, 15
Who is the judge? Where are the laws? Democracy? What is when the people votes for murder to be the right thing? - I am like I am

Friday, 14
Yeah, a lot of white noise in my ears. It got worse lastly. That is why I avoid tranquility. And I need movement for distraction, and when I drink I run away from it. Even more disturbing is the pressure on my ears like when you are driving through a tunnel or after a drop. Normally, I try to get rid of it by blowing my nose, but that's no help. The thing is I don't believe a therapy would change a lot. All what I've heard about tinnitus (from doctors, affected people and internet) there is not a lot to do.

Thursday, 13
I love reading books. But I am about to get jealous about them who write books. How can they do it, invent characters, lives, psyches, background stories, everyday occurrences, exceptional occurrences? How do they have enough space in their mind for addtional creatures and circumstances aside from those already existing who surround them?

Wednesday, 12
No, I don't turn my back to the world. But still I wonder what is my duty here. When you once experienced that randomness doesn't make no difference to determenation you are down with life free from ideal concepts of being. Only outer conditions force me to perform those things that have to be done. Though they are finally to appear randomly. Only the basic needs like breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping, moving are to be fulfilled to guarantee life as such. Further implemented needs design lifestyles of individualistc social systems what is eventually colouring a minimalistic point of view. Symmetry, as it is copied from natural distributions, in artistic realisation is a question of taste.

Actually, that is simple. Men like having two women, because mostly women are caring, looking after them, cooking, doing there best to let their man feel good. That is why women are not interested so much in having two men, because then they have to take care for two men, what is even more tiring and giving them less time for themselves.

Tuesday, 11
Friendship is stronger than love, friendship also means love. I think it's less obsessive and possessive than a romantic version. Facebook did kind of overuse the term friend. Anyway, I am happy when I have a lot of friends.

Monday, 10
I don't know... not worse, not better ... when I watched my naked body under the bright morning sun, I thought, oh, so old, how can ever someone like it? Maybe, the aftermath of last night's Reggae Party let it seem more real, grey and weak. Though I know it's not to change. But when I am strong I am more likely to challenge the facts.

Sunday, 9
Wow, looking forward to tomorrow, cannot be worse.

Coffee helps to come back to the living. Last night I died one more death, partying for my own, dancing alone. Not a beautiful sounding poem, but a physical experience of body and soul. I firmly intended to cease mentioning fiascos or call it blues nobody wants to listen to. Respectively letting others talk about their wistful perspectives (Marechera's writing is full of them, putting inside out - can't stop citing him, a sublime writer - till they fine me for misusing copyrights, you never know... you think you do good and then one comes and tells you're doing bad), because my words cannot do. You see, a fiasco again, others always do better. Most of the time I think that way, me a loser, tried to find a reason in my childhood and family structure. Like not been loved enough (actually I don't think that was the problem, I recognise our parents' attempt to give us children what we wanted) any form of pressure, because of them stressed, who grew up during war, and on and on educated to obedience up to obsequiousness, because they had been afraid of the system and didn't learn how to object. But changes didn't come to my life by analysis. Psychotherapy was just a helping hand for not dropping out of society, to keep the status. To work humbly. It couldn't free me. Forces of settled circumstances determined my possibilities of locomotion. Nevertheless, I still try to lower barriers of hierarchies which don't seem plausible. I know I keep repeating myself - I don't care.

Saturday, 8
we wonder what life has in store apart from death,
aren't we seekers of maximum happiness in
these hours of reason at the gate?

There's a Dissident in the Election Soup
I have no ear for slogans - You may as well shut up your arse
I run when it's LOVE YOU time - Don't say it I'll stick around
I run when it's A LUTA time - I run when it's FORWARD time
Don't say it we'll fuck the whole night
The moon won't come down
At first awkwardly, excrutiatingly embarressing
But with Venus ascending, a shout and leap of joy

When the sheets are at last silent - Don't ask "What are you thinking?"
Don't ask "Was it good?" - Don't feel bad because I'm smoking
They ask and feel bad those who are insecure
Who say after the act "Tell me a story"
And you may as well know
Don't talk of "MARRIAGE" if this reconcilliation is to last.
(1992) Dambudzo Marechera, Cemetery of Mind, Africa World Press, 1999

Friday, 7
Be myself and not follow other's is something I've learned, after a while, before it was like I wanted to share with others, feeling unity in the heart by doing all together. Now I know to enjoy myself, for my own, dancing alone.

Since my teens I've accepted being hurt as part of life, anyway, nowadays I try to be more conscious about. Self protection to improve living conditions.

Thursday, 6
Byung-Chul Han: Eros overcomes depression.

Tuesday, 4
My enemies (those coldhearted species) don't like to see me grow, they only want me for their purposes, to represent their way of thinking, their perception, their goals. For them I am just a tool without any human features.

Sometimes things happen they shouldn't, things appear like they where not planned. To go with the flow of time the beauty is to perceive. Though my mind goes back and forth refusing to give up an old idea instead of heading new inspirations.

Monday, 3
When elders become a burden... reason for them has left, too close to death - that is how they articulate their state of being. How for me to think of them?

hands become invisible at the happiness of sound... as the hymns and the vocabulary of the time - is the stomping and the wailing - and the hailing - then there is the silence of the beat of the heart - and the flow of thoughts through the body - and reason is there on the side of the road - aren't we all seekers of maximum happiness in the hours when reason is there by the gate - and the conscience of the lost souls find way to a moment between a man evoking his ancestors only to let them breath again - in realisation of the pain - where is the rain when enlightenment is only at the shrine - when the heart beat is irregular like reason and our everyday reality - beat that drum man - beat that drum man exorcise the back heart - soul ming is the name of the game - peace
Thokozani Mthiyane (fb February 24)