Friday, February 28
When I die no more me is left. Hence the condition of the former my body that is dead then is not of relevance for me. For the still living people could be a sad experience to see my dead body helpless and lifeless, distorted. Sweet memories will help them to get over it.

There is this saying - you can't have everything. On one hand it is reasonable to release those things that are not available, on the other hand the saying is sort of opium; to be quiet, to be happy with what we have, to give up, not to climb for more and to prevent smashing given boarders. In other words to preserve existing systems. Subtle creativity is a subversive means to evoke changes within a dominant reality.

Thursday, February 27
At the gynaecologist. Been told that I am very late with menopause. Then, been asked what happens, what I do experience. I talk about feeling aggressions, depressions, but I actually know how to deal with because of psychotherapy. She says a lot of people are not like me, thinking, but just lamenting. I say, that is the point, I am not like a lot of people, and I want that to be respected. Full stop. Further she said I look like I prefer alternative therapies, what is true actually. But even when I would want a hormone therapy, it wouldn't be worth the expenses compared to my budget. That is how I see the use of drugs. When you can afford them and they do good to you in any thinkable point of view i.e. boosting your creativity, increasing your libido what ever your concern is take them. Calculate also biological concerns.

he askes me: what is a poet? what should i answer, what do i answer: somebody who writes poems, but what are poems. part of lyrics, like in music - a helpless gaze into void and some incoherent words of a dizzy notion, stammering an explanation.

Wednesday, February 26
Last night high in mind and soul I made a musical trip into the past, absolutely enjoying -almost crying- Pink Floyd, The Dark Side of the Moon. Wow, it was like my teenage time came back flowing through my body. The full album was familiar like it had been yesterday. I don't know how often I must have heard to remember so good. I didn't even remember that I really internalised the psychodelic era of the seventies. The reggae songs I've been listening to since ten years will do the same, life long.

Tuesday, February 25
During my working day at Skulpturhalle:
Reading The Zahir: I am a child again, doing something that is wrong, forbidden, but which gives me enormous pleasure. Wonderful! crazy pacts with God, along the lines of `If I manage to do this, then so and so will happen`, signs provoke not my anything that comes from outside, but by instinct, by my capacity to forget the old rules and create new situations.
Long long time ago we made a song called l'enfant dit: "Je ne veux plus apprendre que je ne sais pas." Et il s'en va nu à la jungle. It is a quote, but i don't remember from where.

My job is not a big difference from sitting somewhere in the street, let's say a street café, alone, where people mostly inspect me, talk in groups around me, but not with me, or are busy passing me, only here and then a person comes to me, always in need for something, very rarely interested in me wondering who I am. At the end of the day I am just tired and more than empty.

Monday, February 24
Take this as a comment to my flea market experience, from The Zahir:
-"Does that mean we might lose things that are important?"- "Never. The important things always stay; what we lose are the things we thought were important but which are, in fact, useless, like the false power we use to control the energy of love."

At flea market I was looking for a sculpture or mask of Nigerian origin on Saturday. The first stand got only one from Benin. The seller at the next stand offered a very nice whitened mask. A wealthy looking native from Basel, who had been there before me, was following our conversation. I knew this mask would be probably to expensive for me, so I hestitated to ask for the price. Instead that dignified man asked for the price and the seller replied 200. The man said 100 and was not willing to go up. Finally he got that mask for 100. I didn't wait to trace the payment transaction, but stalked onward, because I was upset that he bought something that was actually my target.

Sunday, February 23
A walk with my friend Yvonne in the parc, sunshine, spring, occasional meeting my dance teacher and her husband sitting on a bench contemplating Sunday afternoon. We have a talk about Africa. And how difficult it is for African artists to get a stay here in Swiss. Then a short visit at my friend's parent's house.

This Sunday we are home, both. Unusual. Like always he is talking on the phone busily, me, I am still lying in our bed reading The Zahir. It's not exactly having breakfast in bed, because that is nothing he enjoys really, but for me I feel it. Reading: ... that's how love gets lost. When we start laying down rules for when love should or shouldn't appear...

Saturday, February 22
I thought about Internet Djs who instead of putting music themselves connect to people who are listening on their devices (Ipods and others) and take their music to send to a public. It was like when I was listenung to my music on itunes I thought other people should hear that gorgeous sound.

Paul Coelho in The Zahir about love: Dante wrote in The Devine Comedy: That day that man allows true love to appear, those things which are well made will fall into confusion and will overturn everything we believe to be right or true. The world will become real when man learns how to love; until then we will live in the belief that we know what love is, but we will always lack the courage to confront it as it truly is. - Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.

Somehow the past has to be worked off. But at the end of the day I hope a peaceful embrace disembogues in deliverance.

No, I am not a business woman. But I like to buy things. I am not a fetishist what means I enjoy the things I buy but I don't add a meaning above from what it is about. Though, here and then, I derive abundant postive energies into the bought object to incarnate that very joyful feeling.

Friday, February 21
Reading The Zahir, Paulo Coelho, Kindle Version ordered for my Ipad my sister sold to me last time I was in Hamburg; following an underlined passage I agree: our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumphs. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives. - I really have a day off today enjoying the easygoing, but I know difficult times will come and let me feel the downtempo when no way out rules the essence of my life. How can I continue that path I am on with no fear of loss?
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Sorry for the bad qualitiy of the pictures. Have to find out how to make them resizable within a good quality for bigger screens. I feel I am just too old for this Internet Business, even replacing weakness with energy doesn't help - sometimes blues for the ego is necessary to start the evening in peace.

Among those junkmails about potent love life I receive every day there's been one useful a few minutes ago: replace weakness with energy.

I am happy about my new boots. When I walk with them I am sure I will find you. My beloved rose. The petals I eat and taste the fluid that fills my heart with an unspeakable realm of infinity.

Concerning telling stories the meaning of an absolute one and only proved truth is not of relevance. The intention of the storyteller is. Finally the story should survive independently building a shape everybody can operate with.

I have to fill in a form for Volkszählung where I have to answer the question in which language I think.

Thursday, February 20
I sip my coffee, slowly, trying to ease myself releasing stress of having to produce something that'll make me attractive per se. When pressure is worse I consider work the only entrance to other people's souls. Thus by not working I feel haunted, watched, evacuated. Searching a way out of isolation I verify the fact that there are days one cannot do lots of important things than just hanging around contemplating. And even this insight is a creative process that helps to overcome times of depression.

Lingering in dreams of romance is a waste of time concerning progress in real life unless they play a part contributing to artistic realisation what ever discipline is chosen to implement inner screen produced emotions - disregarding a libido loss caused by sublimation.

Wednesday, February 19
Thokozani Mthiyane wrote
say i am mad - say i am invassive - say i am idle say i have a complex with stealing souls - say i am exploitative say i am a prick - zoom in zoom out - breath in breath out - say i am a nigga say i am a rasta say i am oyinbo say i am yellow - tell them that is be my guy - what i am is what i am - an artist a poet and yes i am mad - i am a historian without a language - i am a supremist dreamer - all i say i am looking for myself among my fellow hooligans tender and rough tough - excavate from the skulls of dead and living philosopher beings - am high on the word as i am high on the word and the image let alone symbols - the lingering taste of a kiss - and song of the sorrow song - some bled some melted but hey their shadow dance in our minds and they still breath the wisdom we live and die by - - i am a lover a fucker _ i write footnotes with a pencil - i am the faithful - the faithless - the wailer - the slave - the free - captive to the word to color and as i realise my nothingness i seek to create my somethingness - from fleeting moments to the pause of the fllow of time - hey i am a poem without a rhyme
(fb 2.12.2014)

Tuesday, February 18
Big ones are not disciplined. They use their power to carry through whatever comes into their mind. Small ones have to work hard to make their living.

About my art I finally don't care, other people don't why should I.

Monday, February 17
Rely on nothing but my intuition to contiunue life without humilation. No jealousy, no envy, no self pity. Devotion, apprehension, sympathy, broad mindedness. My strategy: don't ruin other people's happiness because you can't find your own.

Enjoy darkness more than ever. No glistening light that is fading everything to white. Another day, treading warily. It's not the ray on which to slither but an amorphic bulk to orientate.

Sunday, February 16
---how can I tell you that I love you---

Dragon used for people in daily life mostly is negative connotated. A person referred to as such is in a kind of very active temper though rather shooing others than doing her/himself what should be done. It happens to me sometimes to be like a dragon, but I don't like it at all.

Saturday, February 15
We've been talking of the use of the word -always (immer)- in everyday speech thi morning. I said to him that always is actually an illusion. Even the sun will one day burn out... and and and. I concluded that I like the here and now the most. Later musing about I thought the common use of this adverb of time applied so oftenly out of a desire for regularity.

Friday, February 14
Things are ambiguous. I am bound, though not silken, not cosy. If things were distinct, I would be more light hearted, I reckon. Ach, what the hell, I am just tired.
............................
When I look into the mirror sometimes my grandmother or my mother do face me. Then it's time to make up my own. As long as I live, later we'll mingle.

Thursday, February 13
Giving birth to a child is something I missed in my life.

Nevertheless, here lyrics of a romantic Jazz standard by Sarah Vaughan (1954):
Misty
Look at me - I am as helpless as a kitten up a tree.
And I feel like I am clinging to a cloud,
I can't understand - I get misty just holding your hand.
Walk my way - and a thousands violins begin to play.
Or it might be the sound of your heaven - that music I hear.
I get misty the moment you're near.
You can say that your're leading me on,
but it's just what I want that you do.
Don't you know how hopelessly I'm lost.
That's why I'm following you.
On my own, would I wander through this wonderland alone.
Never knowing my right foot from my left,
my hat from my glove.
I'm too misty and too much in love.

About Macon Dead and Guitar I read almost twenty years ago. And it's not much that I remember. Only this brief encounter comes to my mind here and then:
from Song of Solomon, Toni Morrison, 1977, Penguin Books 1978, page 241, 242

Wednesday, February 12
The beauty and youth of other women oftenly is helpful to come down to ground and be more reasonable within my limits concerning romantic dreams that never could become true. It's just that I enjoy their beauty as well and understand every man's devotion.

I sabi and he sabi... when you know, you know, you know. If you are still asking about it and discussing it with other people, then you should know that it is not for you. If you are begging someone to treat you right, and if you are making excuses for someone, or if someone is not honouring you, your time, your mind, your destiny, then it is not for your. Full stop.
The Sabi, Diane Brown, 2013

Tuesday, February 11
Have been checking websites (about Lagos) today, where I've been approached as guest. Sometimes I address my reader as ghost, what is not very friendly. Actually, should be proud when people come to read. That is why I would like to apologise to them who I've offended.

Monday, February 10
Otobong Nkanga: I think one can start with using their heart to feel Art and slowly allow the brain to question it. (face-to-facebook art talk)

result: coffee and cigarettes, trying to get back my self-conception I am about to lose because of an eagle eye that lasers me to dust

- spirit dance - hurts, it makes me high and then I am sad, just down - the lonelyness of a nerd - I feel it and at the same time I get rid of it - to survive not lingering in desperation - exercising -

Sunday, February 9
Love is not a question of having to be proved, it is, it happens - explications become superfluous. Amazingly beautiful for those who are included, hurtful for that one who is not part of it, or worse witnessing the loved one loving someone else. Or when the loved one supports somebody else to love you, what means the loved one is not loving you (maybe somehow, but ambivalently) .

like - squeeze me right -

Good philosophy, but I don't feel so at the moment - what means I refuse to give up that soul mate I am searching for - stubborn I am - :
- After a while you learnThe subtle difference betweenHolding a hand and chaining a soulAnd you learn that love doesn't mean leaningAnd company doesn't always mean security.And you begin to learnThat kisses aren't contractsAnd presents aren't promisesAnd you begin to accept your defeatsWith your head up and your eyes aheadWith the grace of a womanNot the grief of a childAnd you learnTo build all your roads on todayBecause tomorrow's ground isToo uncertain for plansAnd futures have a wayOf falling down in mid-flightAfter a while you learnThat even sunshine burns if you get too muchSo you plant your own gardenAnd decorate your own soulInstead of waitingFor someone to bring you flowersAnd you learnThat you really can endureThat you are really strongAnd you really do have worthAnd you learn and you learnWith every goodbye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall, 1971

My dreams in the night when I sleep get all facebook, scrolling up and down searching. What means where is my world. There where I left my fire.

Tomorrow - future, a vision, an illusion. A projection of the things I wish.

Saturday, February 8
Some bad text I think I can make now with my drunken head - marvelous to have a drink and talk with my friend afterwards to make me feel complete. The movie, what can I say, good actors, no, Steve Mc Queen, good artist, good director, bad history. Solomon Northup, big man.

Today - going to watch '12 years a slave' together with a friend I've known since I arrived in Basel coming from Hamburg. This evening 17.45 at Club Cinema.

Friday, February 7
Yesterday - we had an Apero at museum to farewell a collegue of mine I've worked with for 20 years, where the issue of boarderline syndrome people had been discussed. Apart from this psychological attempt I talked to another collegue about my wish to migrate to somewhere in Africa. I told her that I think of a hundred times a day, otherwise I would never do it. She was very surprised of my that very persuasion. And, she said conclusively I would find a way to do it. First it appeared to me a simple statement, but after I visualised a jungle - where actually no paths are provided - to realise how difficult it is for me. Anyhow, the moment she talked of a trail opened up, which I have to take.

Thursday, February 6
Boarderline - who is boarderline - that one who goes one's own way or that one who goes the way society predetermines as the right way to go? The answer is easy, of course that one who goes one's own way, because society's standards determine one's state of being. We are not free; even when we try to free ourselves from given stereotypes we will be pressed into a form to be classified by a pigeonhole of perception.

Did wrong again. Said something what has made him say once more - let me live - actually to avoid an answer - and now I regret I said anything. Could bite my tongue and chop my emotions that still not dead.

Hormones, our subject yesterday. Her grandmother and my mother take them. They enjoy life, are keen on men and have lust for sex. Possibly a question of money also, for me at least. I have to consult my doctor and check. Let's see what she'll say.

As a woman to become an artist is more diffucult than for men. Women, particularly young women, have to consider being a muse for male artists so they'll take notice and accept them as well of course being very creative what is even not easy because they are more likely being educated for the taking care number (mothers to be) then for being creative in there own interests.

Wednesday, February 5
Looking into the mirror this morning preparing my face for work I've thought I got an age boost this winter - wrinkles doubled.

It can happen, sometimes, when you talk about your own mysteries that the magic you intended to apply will melt.

Monday, February 3
Children are good, they can just see things like they are, no metaphors - saussages, oranges, bananas, doors and and and... so want to say when I see an orange then I think orange, or banana then I think banana. Saussages out of question, I only eat them when there's nothing else (what means I have to). From my heart I am a vegetarian.

I plan to travel to Nigeria, my husband is from Gambia, but people oftenly presume that I should be connected to Namibia - only because I was born in Germany, how stupid can that be. It is indeed difficult for them to gasp that I am going my own way. How boring.

Sunday, February 2
Some days appear like hopeless, but I favour melancholy to crispy apprehension at the moment that is now. Later can be different.

Saturday, February 1
and when he is gone, philosophy stays still the same. ying and yang for them. always is an illusion, her and me, we share. i think you men, you like it, one man with two or several women, or could you imagine, being with a woman and a man, what means a woman having two men? i mean like socially accepted. everybody knows. i mean my man accepts me having another man like i accept him having another woman. the point is everybody has his or her moments to be happy. cannot be always. still, the dream of the one and only is there. but i learn to give up that dream to prepare for death, because of advanced age.

My work to make the living has killed me as an artist.

keep that one about religion, gods and so on. when the question arises if god is female or male, ying and yang philosophy is the closest to connect them both as to be one, both sexes same important.

A new month to start. Come back after work....