Friday, January 31
Apropo prostitutes: driving with my parents in their car, sitting in the back, I said to my mother: your are a prostitute, because you are married. Every wife is a prostitute. I had read that sentence in one of Simone de Beauvoir's books - or could have been a quote, don't remember exactly where - but I remember that my mother was very very angry.

I don't know - love... someone told me there is no sense in loving - fucking, different thing. I don't know. When I was in my teens and still living in Hamburg, where sex business was kinda part of the city, people said that prostitutes shouldn't feel and shouldn't come to orgasms for not being connected to there clients and get ruined - just playing like they would enjoy. Their job. Enjoying sex and not being connected emotionally is the best, I think. To free yourself from love.

Old people are frightening and the young only feel them when they get support for their own life. The young think why do old people need it's them who need. Me, I am more close to old than to young. When I look at people who are even older than me I am oftenly surprised how much they love to live. They are friendly, and just yesterday I met a man of 81 who seemed to be in love a lot.

Thursday, January 30
The Diary of MalcolmX, El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz 1964
Monday Oct. 16th
At noon I had dinner with Alice, Osman & his wife at their home. I went past Stephanie & watched her and her boyfriend move furniture. He gave me the edition of Playboy with the cartoon about Muslims. Had dinner with Saleh, Coker & another Nigerian, then went past Stephanie's again had met Jean, her four daughters & her Ethiopian husband earlier that day.
Third World Press, 2013

5:30- darkness. In summertime day would have begun. Had a sound night, lot of dreams.

Wednesday, January 29
shit - again - cold, no heating, cold water - preparing for work without shower - me wonder how the day will unveil...

Tuesday, January 28
Me at my desk, the wall empty. One book open - The Short Century, because I searched a name related to a post on facebook (I shared a portrait of one of my inlaws. A waxprint cloth in the background reminded me of Yinka Shonibare the name I searched) yesterday. I even applied for friendship, already the second time (request sent), but he didn't reply (a tiny facebook anecdote :-). Sitting, dreaming, watching the very bright light on houses while looking out of the window, my view goes back to the book and I read:
Chinua Achebe, a novelist, essayist, and poet, is considered to be one of the most important African writers of the postwar period. The subject of a number of documentaries and monographs, Achebe is the author of numerous volumes, including Things Fall Apart (1958); No Longer at Ease (1960); Arrow of God (1964), A Man of the People (1966), Hopes and Impediments (1987); Anthills of Savannah (1987); and most recently Home and Exile (2000). He was the founding editor of Heinemann African writers Series, 1962, and Okike: An African Journal of New Writing. 1971. He is currently the Charles P. Stevenson Jr. Professor of Languages and Literature at Bard College, New York.

Monday, January 27
I think about the difference of journalism in contrast to literature (prose and poetry). Journalism is about to describe a reality connected to the journalist's point of view concerning political, environmental, cultural, psychological or any other conditions. He or she is to work on changes and discloses (or not) given facts that have been hiding in the interest of some masterminds. By mentioning names of the secret society he or she is more jeopardized to be hounded than writers or poets. The latter are not bound on everyday occurrences, but are able to choose their topic no matter whatever comes to their mind and discribe or express in translation. They free themselves within their own given discourse of style, content and point of view (first person, third person).

To say something about my emotional condition at this very moment 10 o'clock in the morning: I am kinda sad, not angry.

Sunday, January 26
Here night has started already hours ago.

All books are closed and I don't feel for to open any or read a word. Chilling in emotions not to determine in interest of a concrete need.

Watched a movie about Alma Mahler and a documentary about Max Beckmann yesterday. Those times artists were kind of magic - living with art.

Saturday, January 25
Firstly, I hate it when I take myself for soo important - as instroduction
Secondly, sometimes I am almost about to cry (feeling down inside) when my roommate is talking the whole day loudly, not with me and in a language I don't understand
Thirdly, I've read about Maja Hoffmann, a Swiss billionaire, three years older than me what means more or less my age, a Roche heiress, who founded Luma Stiftung in 2010, a foundation based in Zürich that supports artists - I just feel bad that by now I haven't made it to get money for my project in Gambia. I even almost gave up and don't know if it makes sense after all. I hope my journey to Lagos will give me some ideas.

Friday, January 24
I know about me. No problem. I know how it is to feel alone. I am used to it. But even when you are alone you have your time, your life, fun, experience, visions, dreams. Am used to watch others being together, only watching not being part of the scene. Me, you see I am used to, but I don't enjoy being excluded. That is why I mostly try to get in. Or leave for another place. I am alone, but still part of the community. Human among humans and other beings.

That is my way of writing. I write something here, then go biking or anything and think about what I've written. And because everybody (I told u about this imagined ghost before) can read it, it is somehow serious - a publicity I needed to develop. Notes in my notebook, another experience that I already know appeared not to be strong enough for me. I've been leading diaries since childhood, I reread them to learn from them and to improve myself. And I still have one for ideas really just for me. - Back to my writing here: when I find out what I wrote is bullshit then I delete to find a better version (I do also corrections, orthographically and semantically). It can happen nobody read the bullshit from before and nobody will find out that I decided to drop it. In case somebody read it that person will learn that what he or she had read before had been nothing of importance. And after all, mindfuck is definetely not my style. Like Billy Mandindi once said to me: Don't shoot me into my head, shoot me into my heart...

Just let me dream of myself as a nice person, I even would like to be sort of lady, being respected for who I am. No bad mind. Not an Ex who is trying to kill her Ex. That's stupid and not my kind of thinking. Everybody should be fine and happy with her or his life. When I am there should be good experience for everybody.
Peace (°_°)

Thursday, January 23
In the morning fortunately my world is a little slow and I just silently sit on the sofa waiting for the day to come.

Wednesday, January 22
- the world is running too fast, i am breathless - longing for an easy tea time in an open space - we live between rain and sunshine - so what makes us feel the light of content insight not feeling the edge but a comforting flow of jauntiness... it's only money that is of interest - me not

I've just burnt my porridge (whole-grain oat and sultanas, water) remembering my mother telling me over and over again never to miss out on anything (in German they say: never burn anything what I understood literally in sense of don't stay to long somewhere... but now I know it means like taking everything when you can).

One of those nights again. Sleep, sleep, wake, sleep, wake, wake, sleep, wake. But not as worse as insomnia. When I was around forty, I suffered from it and it was horrible. Some nights I didn't sleep at all and in the morning I didn't know how I would make it to work, even I had a short commute. I bought a self-help book, where I had to record every night, how long I slept, what I was thinking about when I couldn't sleep. And indeed, after some months it was over. Now is different. I think it is a menopausal syndrom, so I don't care too much about as it is part of life you cannot change. The same about sweating, I even think it healthy, because your skin gets moistened. Yea, that are fundamental changes in life you have to accept and get used to.

Monday, January 20
today will not be much more than washing, dishes, cleaning, buying food (grocery, supermarket)... here and then a halt, importing music cds from Gambia to iTunes, calling our property management (Treuhandgesellschaft), because my studio is cold again... some office work / oh think twice its another day for you and me in kingston town - reggae music rocking my bones, this is not a competition / looks like I have to cook as well, mimi mofing, soooo busy
... actually it was kinda dope day - cleaning and office work postponed to 2morrow

Sunday, January 19
Komla Dumor - rest peacefully, I'll miss you on BBC
- A few years ago my colleague Frederica Boswell told me she had a spare ticket to a Lucky Dube concert in London. I am a huge Dube fan but I knew the concert would run late into the night so I turned it down because I was presenting BBC Network Africa that evening. Freddie suggested we go from the concert straight to work. Freddie goes hard like that! I stuck to my guns and missed the concert. Days later Lucky Dube was dead-shot to death-and the interview Freddie did at the concert set the tone for the memorial I presented on the same show. We are just visitors in this world so enjoy the moments with the people who you love and who love you. Work hard but make time for family and for true friends so when you are gone they will think of good times and the stories from your journeys together -
(via his facebook page 25 July 2012)

Saturday, January 18
my flat crowded by virgorous fellows - no space left to dream of another one - why not eat an orange and read what I found today in my letter box: 28 stories of Aids in Africa... I want to say something about my life I am living to minder the importance of reading that book and no connection should be made, but I leave it a secret. Still I fight for a living that means not being thrown into an anonymity because of having to hide.

This one for you - I've drawn Three of Wands, but I found it too boring and decided to lead this trump:
Tarot - The Magican
Keywords capability, empowerment, activity
Range of meaning
Light Taking appropriate action. Receiving guidance from a higher power. Becoming a channel of devine will. Expressing masculine energy in appropriate and constructive ways. Being yourself in every way.
Shadow Inflating your own ego. Abusing talents. Manipulating or deceiving others. Beeing too aggressive. Using cheap illusions to dazzle others. Refusing to invest the time and effort needed to master your craft. Taking shortcuts.
Correspondances
Archetype The Ego/The Self
Numbers 1 (origins, unity, seeds)
Planetary/Astrological/Elemental The Sun/Mercury
Mythical/Spiritual Thoth, the Egyptian god of wisdom, known to the Greeks as Hermes and to the Romans as Mercury (actually Hermes was a messenger and guide as well as the Roman Mercury... Athena was the goddess of wisdom, Minerva the Roman equivalent). Christ working miracles. Brahma, the creator.
Story Consciously and unconsciously, the main character receives or controls a resource that holds the key to the story's primary challenge.
ibid

Friday, January 17
This time I pull myself for myself:
Tarot - Strength
Keywords discipline, boldness, self-discipline, power, vitality
Range of meaning
Light Imposing restrictions on yourself for your own benefit. Bringing your passions under the control of reason. Resisting impulses that work against your best interests. Taking bold action.
Shadow Indulging weakness, even when you know it will damage your health and happiness. Languishing in addiction. Allowing your instincts to tame and conquer you. Failing to take a stand when necessary.
Correspondances
Archetype The Id
Numbers 8 (movement, outer work)
Planetary/Astrological/Elemental Libra
Mythical/Spiritual Samson. Hercules. Daniel in the lion's den. The sinless Christ.
Story An event hints at the main character's strength, which he or she will use (or choose not use to) to resolve the story. Alternatively, a physical or emontional weakness hinder's the main character's progress.
ibid

Thursday, January 16
Oh, Maren, writing everything, he says to me... a step I have to take before ending up in arrevation. Because my head is blunt like a boring white canvas I'll pull another tarot card. This time I'll pull properly, no number's association. (he sees me shuffling and makes the crazy sign) I continue... and let him pull...

Tarot - Two of Wands
Keywords conflict, decision, option, individuality
Range of meaning
Light Having a choice. Offering or being offered an option. Seeing the value of another person's approach. Understanding there's more than one way to do something. Successfully doing more than one thing at a time. Being empowered to make a choice.
Shadow Misreperesenting your intentions. Doing one thing while desiring another. Changing course mid-stream for no good reason. Refusing to change your goal even when pursuing it not longer makes sense. Disregarding the input of others.
Correspondances
Numerology: 2 (The Other: division, debate, duality)
Astrology Mars in Aries
Affirmation "With my goals in mind, I make confident choices"
Story The main character is confronted with an alternative goal.
Advice
Relationships To what extent does everyone involved in your situation want the same thing? The actions people take reveal their true inclinations. To gain insight into the goals of others, study what they do. Are their actions in line with their stated goals?
Work No one can serve two masters (actually I don't serve any master - editor's note). Before proceeding, determine exactly how much authority you have in this matter. In addition, it's time to decide which to-do items move you closer to your personal goals, and which ones are merely consuming your limited time and energy.
Spirituality Others will have their opinions, but ultimately you must decide which spiritual practices are right for you. Speak your mind and share your own views with courage and honesty. Answering the call of spirit might dictate taking the road less traveled.
Personal growth While others become slave of to fashion and convention, you should work to express yourself. What sets you apart? What makes you unique? These are qualities worth celebrating. Rather than give in to brow-beating and peer pressure, set your own standards in all things.
Fortunetelling Beware of false friends. Don't be mealy mouthed, say what you think and do what you want to do.
ibid

Wednesday, January 15
Yes I admit - I am mad, today, in sense of angry, resentful, irritable, dashed. You see, it's me again who is wicked and chucked on the ground. My nose to big to fit into a monk's setting. Sooner or later I will be haunted as a witch by those who fear me as rivals, because them they struggle too much.

Tuesday, January 14
... intimacy strikes me, a movie about an anonymous sexual relation - how comes?
//on particular moments i feel a nagging shame about that person i am//
--------------------------------------
- and don't forget Spice - (sound not logically, but meant for you)
--------------------------------------
Because of 2014 play off also this trump:
Tarot - Temperance
Keywords blending, synthesis, mediation, combination, harmony
Range of meaning
Light Bringing opposites together. Moderating your actions or emotions. Finding middle ground. Roaching compromises. Synthezising solutions that please everyone involved. Using the old to make something new.
Shadow going to extremes. Disrupting group efforts. Ignoring healthy approaches to life. Becoming an addict. Practicing gluttony. Tearing something or someone apart. Breaking alliances.
Correspondances
Archetype The Mediator
Numbers 14 = 1 + 4 = 5 (catalyst, instability, confrontation)
Planetary/Astrological/Elemental Sagittarius
Mythical/Spiritual The angel seen here may be the goddess Iris. By extension, priests, priesthoods, or the transfigured Christ.
Story The main character learns to moderate impulses or habits that limit his or her ability to solve the story's central problem.
ibid

Monday, January 13
Tarot - Death
(don't panic - the Death card should be read as metaphor, not as a warning of impending doom)
Keywords ending, conclusion, transition, passage, departure
Range of meaning
Light Bringing an unpleasant phase of life to an end. Recognising and celebrating the conclusion of something. Putting bad habits to rest. Becoming a new persson. Leaving one person, place, or thing for another. Letting go.
Shadow Obsessing on death and dying. Refusing to give up old habits or unhealthy relationships. Insisting that everyone and everything should stay the same forever. Failing to take good care of yourself.
Correspondances
Archetype Death
Numbers 13 = 1 + 3 = 4 (stability, persisitence)
Planetary/Astrological/Elemental Scorpio
Mythical/Spiritual Christ in the tomb. Hades. Hypnos. Thanatos. Stories of journeys into the underworld.
Story At the midpoint of the story, the main character believes all is lost. Alternatively, a helper or valued ally dies or is believed dead.
ibid

Sunday, January 12
Tarot - The Hanged Man
Keywords englightment, sacrifice, perspective, suspension, reversals
Range of meaning
Light Seeing growth opportunities in unpleasant events. Experiencing a dramatic change in personal perspective. Making the best of an unforeseen change in your life or work. Suspending disbelief. Making sacrifices.
Shadow Being untrue to yourself and your values. Refusing to make sacrifice when appropriate. Refusing to adapt new situations. Blaming others. Profiting of the expense of others.
Correspondances
Archetype The Traitor
Numbers 12 = 1 + 2 = 3 (expression, productivity, output)
Planetary/Astrological/Elemental Water
Mythical/Spiritual The Crucified Christ. Isaac as a sacrifice. Prometheus bound. Jonah and the whale. Lazarus. Any hanged or sacrified god. Judas.
Story One of the main character's allies is discovered to be working secretely for the antagonist.
Absolute Beginner's Guide to Tarot, 2006 Que Publishing

Saturday, January 11
meditating and dreaming
who follows who... no following, but attending the others' prospects

Friday, January 10
Can I reach you or is it over. I've run out of you and me... wonderman you gone and with you my dream of togetherness. A theoretical construct of love. Meanwhile some fire defunct though my body still alive my mind is hoary. Your ray of light you sent educed impulses within my thinking faculties has now lapsed - the missing syndrom wasn't allowed. Emotions forbidden and finally withered. You determined the rules I followed cause I've experimented with you who purported to know the ropes.

Thursday January 9
During day I was worrying about -native- Indian, if I've chosen the right word, but it was what she said. Navajo, I don't know.

I just wonder how strong my subconscious is. A nightmare: Because the room was dark I didn't even detect them, but somebody (I think it was my mother) told me that there were hundreds of them. I tried an acute glance and then saw spiders running from one corner to the other. Decades ago when I underwent a psychoanalysis I talked to my therapist about my fear of spiders. She explained that in native Indian mythology spiders were seen as an affectionate symbol of positive energy. However, I still fear spiders.

Wednesday, January 8
He said to me I should beware of my ancesters according slavery, it was a joke...

Spice and Vybz.
The climax we have gone.
I am the champion - NEVER

This is a beautiful morning. I've slept long long long meandering in dreams I don't remember but bequeathed a shape of being amorphic and obviously haven't done wrong to me. Desire for metaphysical concretion will always be a feature though sadly remains beyond materialization.

Tuesday, January 7
A desperate one again. Love is a beautiful thing, i know this. Be happy when you can feel it. I am responsible for every step, every movement, decision, deed i do. I am also an achiever, ambitious and I look down on me when my performance comes out lousy.

Sunday January 5
Last night I dreamt I had a view into my brain and found out that some part of it was dead already. I felt logic functions were slowed down, memorising limited. A friend told me about his dream in which he lost his head, but all its faculties were still there. I prefer his version to mine.

Friday, January 3
The exact size of my studio is 10.39m² plus store room 1.13m² what means a total size of 11.52m².

Thursday, January 2
When I called my parents yesterday to wish them a happy new year, my father asked how 2014 felt, like that number would be easier to take down. I replied that I had a good time in 2013, a lot of traveling and I appreciated to continue the same. After we talked about my studio and he again asked the size. I've never measured - 5 square meter, he jested, aish, that would be too small, I guessed 10 - 12 - 8 to give him some numbers (an estimate, what meant I didn't know exactly). Passing the phone to my mother she told me they had visited an exhibiton about Dionysus and its pictures of women with fat tighs and buttocks (kinda hint as well, coz I am not bodied that way). Hmm, I said couldn't be, because in ancient Greek art women had been depiced slenderly. Ohh, it wasn't just about Greek and Romans, different epochs like Rubens'.