Saturday, November 30
When I come home from work for sure he's on the phone.
But his too salty pepper soup appeases my stupid working drone.

Friday, November 29
The randomly found silversmith sees back to diamonds and gold.
How strong can love be?

Thursday, November 28
Reading books has changed since my cyberless childhood. That time when I had read a book - I always finished them and read one after the other - it was like I was embracing them, furnishing them proudly on my bookshelf; it was mine then. These days the meaning of books has become peripheral. There is lot of reading in internet and on electronic readers and the presence of a book is not that necessary. Of course, the content stays the same and you can fill your heart with it still, but for sure books lost their gravitas.

Wednesday, November 27
For sure, that damn cream was not worth the money. I've lost 80 swiss francs. To get something positive out of this cream story: the seller was happy that she did good.

I opened it and I used it - sometimes, when I go out, I spend even more for drinks in one night. The seller said it should last for at least half a year... My eyes are burning small...
My poet friend Ivo lastly made the statement - I was telling him about a Russian visitor, who haressed me - that phantasy can never be that fascinating like real life. I hesitated. I did'nt reply anything, because I don't agree. Real life is often too annoying. In phantasy you can build your world appropriate to your own perceptions.

Tuesday, November 26
My sister told me, when I said to her that I need recognition -in the sense of doing right, looking good and and and- that she once had decided to free herself from being dependent on other people's reactions. Very wise. Something I would like to achieve as well, when it's meant for me.

Hmm, I am not contented about bying that expensive cream... at the moment I feel ashamed to bring it back. I leave it closed, so I can return it next days, when i feel I really don't need. Man, how stupid can a woman be. I know men also use cosmetics nowadays, but women are more crazy about struggling for their beauty.

Have gone to buy cream for eyes (I cannot leave stepping into that trap), 5 frames, 3 pairs of shoes (one's been free - 3 for 2) and arriving at home I've found a book in my letterbox: She does not know, but has a sabi from her earliest memory that she was different. What she does now is that "difference" had currency in the past, and it certainly still has currency today. The Sabi, Diane Brown, 2013 New Generation Publishing

Shaving my legs I've got cutten again, so many scars on my shanks.
Good to see people - I immediately become aware that I am not the only one.

Monday, November 25
I am too tired to think. Sexuality is to feel the body that is not me, it is the other to get connected through waves passing the sahara to find my heart throbbing in flurry for sequel and at the same time craving for deliverance.
I've found my earing on the floor in the bathroom by stepping on it barefooted.

Just trying to stay beautiful, without earing. Beauty comes from inside, when you feel good you look good. That's easy. The problem is to keep the mood. Actually, I am part of the Don't-Worry-Be-Happy generation: I should consider its advantages and forget the worries. Bobby Mc Ferrin

Sunday, November 24
You don't worry about me, so I have to worry about myself. - I lost an earing again, a beautiful one. We bought it in a shop at the fair (Hamburger Dom) and Stine said she wanted a necklace of the same style. Now I've lost one after only eight days. Could be in museum. I make myself beautiful for that work to feel empty in the evening. People don't respect me a lot and sometimes still try to make me feel inferior. Finally it doesn't matter how I look. Anyway, they are a little bit nicer when I look good. Yea, that's why people are not interested in my work, because I have been exhibited for long time in my job. I have to be there, they can look at me when they want, and go when they want. I cannot go. A mystic about my person is missing. Further, I see a lot of peole, but they never ask me something about me, they only want that I am interested in them. This phenomen has spread onto my whole life.

When you don't understand the whole story, but you understand part of it don't worry.

No matter what circumstances, god is always there for you. George Nooks

I know when I give up myself I don't have a chance. But when I don't give up myself do I have a chance? I don't think so. To conclude I don't have a chance no matter what I am doing. :-)

No sunshine for more than a week. Moderate darkness every day.

Saturday, November 23
Reading-.-Aminatta Forna

Friday, November 22
Its like this: you love somebody, but you find out that love is not real or mutual or achievable. A period of grief follows till you have unlearned to love that person. I mean truly, neither tearing in the chest when you see that person nor butterflies on thought, just a sober, friendly view. For me its when I once unlearned desiring I am not able to love that person again passionately, but as a friend.

This entry which I loaded when I was in Gambia I like:

Friday, April 5
Where is the love society - A Sad Song
Sometimes I forget. There still exist relationships that are happy. Two people who love each other and do behave in a loving way. Who care for each other not as a duty but for pleasure. No big never ending fight. (The same for you - the same for me) is not even necessary to be happy.

I stop checking weather forecasts. Living in the very now moment is what I prefer at the moment.

4.25 in the morning. Cannot sleep. Normally never get up at this time, but anyhow there are some people who are working already, like tram drivers, who pass directly in front of my flat. I am freezing. Heating is on, but's cold and all this electronic stuff doesn't give warm. Just stay in bed till a little more sunlight will come - I know also today there won't be a lot of light. At the moment it's sleeting. Want to finish Adichie's book, look how Ifemele and Obinze make it at the end of the book.

Thursday, November 21
a blog in a book in a blog and two romantic scenes

Happy Birthday, Sierra Leone squatter

Wednesday, November 20
No mail, no call, no sms, no skype, no vyber, no whatzup, but a linkedin request from an artist, who wrote: Oh, I am very impressed about your website, it is "like I look to the sky and i see a star I have never seen before".
You see, nobody is worried when I am down. Somehow I find that funny. Probably, people who are close to me don't come here. More likely is that people think I pretend. Maybe that's right, because after I had sent text and picture yesterday I turned on music and started dancing.

Tuesday, November 19
at the end of the day i drink wine, smoke and i am amply disenchanted. nights are long, days are short. i don't know why those emotional downs appear out of nowhere. cannot only the season be the reason. just wish 2morrow will be better. get also fed up of this writing here, is not even a wall, is more like blowing signs into the sky building clouds which cannot make it to give rain. imagine to dive into the ground being embedded in soil. and still i am sitting here in front of my laptop not even longing for communication. don't like to read, don't like to watch tv and want no music that makes me feel like jumping for nothing. no art producing. i don't even want to put life into this body i am in. would i die know i wouldn't care.

Some friend indicated when I told her that I was in love with an artist that I would have to share him with everybody. Artists belong to all.
Relationship is a matter of delicacy, anyway. Nonetheless, at the end of the day I visualise a partner relationship rather, like walking hand in hand feeling safe. I was educated for that kind. But, I am on my way to overcome the given parameterization to live a life without reservations. For me, happiness is stronger than any convention.

Monday, November 18
I know I write to nobody, but I don't stop. Hmm, back home. First, because now its night, I have to buy food tomorrow. Then work, work, work till I travel again.
Tried to load youtube and got this... 500 Internal server

Saturday, November 16
Yesterday in fassbar a young man was smiling at me so nicely that it was even hard for me to leave there. But, today in the morning I am happy to find myself alone in my bed. That you meet someone who changes your life cannot happen every day, month - and onenightstands are just like having sex and that's it. No further effects on your life. More like a drink that slightly colours your existence, but no new paths are given.

Friday, November 15
This morning workmen got me out of bed to tell that there will be no hot water today. I should shower immediately... so I did. And finally they'll make the heating after five days of coldness. Now its 4°C outside and 14° inside my flat. Hey I don't complain.

Thursday, November 14
Spend most of my time with waiting. Yeah waiting like shit. Even its me who always takes the first step. Me want to feel wanted. But finally I don't care, bros n' sis.

Again I am partying for my own. Babylon. To all the people who are not connected to internet - Don't worry, you didn't miss a lot. Haha, small joke

How is Sierra Leone? Hope you enjoy.

Wednesday, November 13
Am just sad - actually I don't think in terms of enemies. Friends are important to me.
I need them, you. Water, fire don't have enemies, its a human thing. I just go inside and hide. Tomorrow is another day. Happiness will come again. It's just that I had the feeling of being loved and then I found out it was love. But a love that makes me sad. Because, for me it is too tacit - like following a dream. No, I cannot do that. It sucks my energy and leaves me feeble. I don't need to be free, need someone who really likes me. But one day we'll meet, and talk. Yeah, I am looking forward to just standing in front of you, looking into your eyes and remembering.

Tuesday, November 12
I wonder if fire's got no enemy as well... hmmm, it should be water, I guess - anyhow, other way round it's the same. Heat is defenitely water's enemy, isn't it?

Friday, November 8
water no get enemy - i love that one

Yeah, life is more than just to meet the existence. Yet the virtual world is controled by human beings - that is what I think. Anyway, one friend of mine long time ago told me that we are guided by a power from universe. All have their believes. When people ask me about religion I tell them I sympathise buddhism.

Thursday, November 7
What a sweet air - chinook wind - I could almost dry my hair on behalf of it.
Subjectivity defies the danger of being caught in totalitarianisms, isn't it?
I am Auntie, I cannot change that one. To free myself from given familiy structures in terms of verbally and non-verbally defined rules to maintain a hierachie concerning emotions, in this case I mean jealousy, is a slow process, but a process that is continuing. Because me I am definitely about to kill the emotion of jealousy... just to say it a little drastically. So everything I pursuit should be out of a will free from comparing with others.
Another fact I would like to change and I thought I would be able. And I still believe it - not being typically stereotype white. Shit.

Wednesday, November 6
I drink water when you wake up and I drink water before you sleep.

Tuesday, November 5
Am about to vomit. I think the fish I ate yesterday was spoiled.

Tuesday, November 5
When we chat I am real.
For sure - no play.
When we meet I can be me
without thinking how should be
that one I was claiming.

So many girls in the whole wide world (Vybz K)

Yeah, we've lost contact for a while. That happens from time to time. People are coming and going. To overcome the Void transfer vybz by means of more teachings.

Monday, November 4
... me and you paint a perfect picture what kind of story we could be... I know you are not mine but I am praying for the day... people try to tell me I should just walk away, it makes no sense, it causes only pain... is love a crime ... I know u are ready for another lady ... my loving you was kind of crazy ... but if you feel the same ? we could break the rules and run away far from here ... lalala ... tralala
Major Riddim

Destiny and random actions. Crying (like children use to do as they can do, but at the same time are in process of unlearning it) or expressing love in an unfiltered way (i.e. articulationg i love you, i miss you) becomes a disturbingly crazy behaviour for those people who have incarcerated themselves to become soldiers defending their already buried soul.

Sunday, November 3
Ach, ne, a definite bourgeois bohemian party. Absinthe - the drink of the night. Hey, what can I do... just condone what is given requisite, diving into nowhere. What has started as resistance and a part of emancipation is becoming an attitude.
When I drink I let myself be emotional, because some controlling voice is just offed. Anyway to give emotions a chance should be possible without the use of alcohol.

Saturday, November 2
This morning different. Went to bed at eight, so now at 5 in the morning cannot sleep anymore. Darkness outside and a still sleeping City. What to do?

Your deepest insights are received in those quiet times you spend cultivating your relationship with Source
Joy Amma Ansah via facebook, April 27, 2012

Friday, November 1
Most of the time my mind is somewhere else and not there where I am physically biologically. But at times I realise where I am - becoming aware about the tangible presence of body, time and space. That are the moments I feel profoundly lonely.

I wake up smiling.