Monday, September 30
I hate myself for having been weak my whole life. Me, Maren. Always letting other people suppress me, making myself small because I feel pain when others fight my vibes. All education, which is so so highly praised, made me more to suffer than being able to follow my own needs. Instead subordinated myself just to survive economically. My soul feels hurted and my mind prevents me from burning everything. My work was not meant as a voluntary service to humanity. But it came out that I am born to serve ... a destiny I would desperately love to change. But there are too many people who want the same. ...not my day today, actually
At the same time I felt the judgment of those who don't want to see me still growing. These moments I am even too ashamed to listen to music (in other words I prohibit). That time my heart is hidden by superior powers.
Some say I am fighting too much, but if I wasn't fighting, I would have been dead for long time. No joke.

Saturday, September 28
staring at the shades of blue(s) and the frequency of pain - i live to know that joy is just across the line of the struggle poems and the orgasm on reading the last line - yet when the room is swelling with music from the brain rhythm - it is the heart that contains the chaos of my being ....note on how to be sublimely if not divinely mad...
Thokozani Mthiyane via facebook

Love Lockdown (Kanye West)

Friday, September 27
Everything you do to me I give back. No bad mind.
One day I'll be rich or I die like a poor rat.
Yeah, that is destiny - we are able to know the past, but we cannot know future. That is fact. To use the velocity of light is a tempt to enter future, why not. Projections made by scientists might be helpful. Question: would I be happy (to me still sth that makes me going on) if I knew the future? For example I know what I am wearing tomorrow, or what I eat, who I meet, who I talk to. No, what makes future interesting is not to know.

Thursday, September 26
Is this Winterdepression? I am down and disillusioned.
Process, Cirquels and Patterns.

Wednesday, September 25
I am tired of behaving responsibly.
So stay awake all night. Alright?
No sleeping pills that keep everything so bright.
Just waiting for dreams to come. And the day will be nice.

Easy, no judgement out of nothing.
Decisions made have to
be continued for what had started
to be fullfilled. No extraordinary meaning
I mean must be a solution.

Tuesday, September 24
-To dream of the person you could be is to waste the person you are-

That one I like: I try to write beyond the understanding that 'inside of one's head' and 'the objective world' are distinct worlds. Khulile Nxumalo

Monday, September 23
No, that was just a dream. For several hours. People just mocking, no way. Let me live, I am out of competition.

Sunday, September 22
Almost every morning I see her (like this morning); an elderly woman always wearing the same hat and an ankle-length, A-line raincoat, big sunglasses. Smoking and too slowly she walks around or sits on the step of her house, sometimes on a wooden bench, where, during the day predominantly black men spend their time chatting. Frightening, looking like death to me, sorry Lady, to say this, she seems most self-absorbed. Like she deliberately refuses to connect to my reality of splashy importance. On the other hand she reveals a rigidity that implies an equivalent raison d'être for her and me.

Saturday, September 21
International Peace Day

Wednesday, September 18
a blog in a book in a blog

Job Vacancy in America - National Arbiter in Chief of
"Who is Racist"
In America racism exists, but racists are all gone. Racists belong to the past. Racists are the thin-lipped mean white people in the movies about the civil rights area. Here is the thing: the manifestation of racism has changed but the language has not. So if you haven't lynched somebody then you can't be called a racist. If you are not a bloodsucking monster you can't be called a racist. Somebody has to be able to say that racists are not monsters. They are people with loving families, regular folk who pay taxes. Somebody needs to get the job of deciding who is racist and who isn't. Or maybe its just time to scrap the word "racist". Find something new. Like Racial Disorder Syndrome. And we could have different categories for sufferers of this syndrome: mild, medium and acute.
(Americanah, Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche)

I love that one. Racial Disorder Syndrome. I just hope I don't suffer from it, not even mildly. No, I know, I am not.

Tuesday, September 17
Yesterday it was a bed-day; rain only. Finally, in the evening - for the first time and completely dizzy - I went out to buy a grilled chicken. The Turkish around the corner had finished chicken already. No chance, I had to go the supermarket. I was lucky, because chicken were on special offer. But, at home, I realised the seller had returned a 10 franc banknote instead of 50. I was shocked and hurried back. I thought he should have realised. On the contrary, he didn't remember at all (respectively refused to remember, that is what I thought), asked for my name and phone number to call me in case there was 40 francs residual. Or to come back the next morning to talk to his boss after balancing the cash.
Today, in the morning, I went there indeed. I explained my story how he outsmarted me. Of course the boss defended her employee as an excellent worker. Okay, normal. Eventually, when she realised that I wouldn't give up, she left to get her boss. Yes, why not, I told her and waited. I was hundredandfifty percent sure it was my money. And... she returned holding up two red 20s.
To conclude, I don't feel good even I know I got back what actually belongs to me.

Monday, September 16
Chuma Nwokolo (via fb on 9/15)
Let the light of positive ideas prosper in your company. Don't be a mocker. Encourage small steps. Add your light. Be part of the solution, not the criticism. Don't play safe & distant. Get involved. Criticise by all means, but do be constructive. If they are wrong, think it through. What's the way forward?

Sunday, September 15
A lot of cleaning. My house looks dirty. I feel cheap.

Saturday, September 14
A beer, a beer and a beer and a beer.

Thursday, September 12
Easy to be clean, when you've got your
servants. I have to work - you consider me poor.
Bluffing, boasting, that's all what you need.

Become me again.
Day to day life is boring and eating soul
in case you are not able to free
yourself within a system
that has turned out to be repressive.

Feelings of guilt are supporting
existing structures and
depressions as well. To overcome
them become you again
without no ironic nothingness.

Sunday, September 8
I spoilt it. No picture. Only in my head.
Him, Nigerian, inside the container.
No, not bicycles. Him sweating on top.
In front of the back sides of fridges
graphicly sober, perfectly stowed
calmy counting feeds.
I've been the driver.
the small one

Saturday, September 7
Don't let me down,
then you keep me smiling.
I am like a gypsy.
No home lion.

Bad men can't get me down.
We hustle, we don't have bad mind.

She must be cold, you told me
that you can have most fun
and your child.
To be a proud father.
I am a mother without no child.

You're everything.
Don't diss me.
Winter is coming.
Don't make me slow.

You consider me
full of prestige.
It's not like a movie.
I'm drinking and smoking
to make you fucking groovy.

When we're coming
it's like sylvester, my bester.

----------
Talking is music.
Sound is arts.

Outdoor or indoor
we did it.

The tears you cry
is pharma.

ARTIST
(vybz)

The Big One