Friday, September 4
Everytime I look out of the window it still rains. I stay home.
In the morning I have been out to buy some make up. I was horrified about the price and afterwards I was brooding over the fact that they make a fucking business out of women's needs. I went home and sank into the sofa to turn my back against the world.

Monday, September 14
Again friends told me I should be more positive about life, less cynical. About aging for example. When you walk around and see those anti-aging products, you can guess that people are spending tons of money. Just to hide their age, or to say it more positive, to make age more convenient. Otherwise business with people's inner fears wouldn't run obviously that good. In other words they (those who are running the businesses including designers, advertisers, art directors and so on who are taking part) again go down one's alley. Instead of giving us dignity they make us believe what they offer is necessarily what we need to be respected. But at the end of the day, their intention is by no means about helping us, but only about to pull out profit.
I am not negative, but sometimes I am desperate. Probably, I should buy some expensive cream to get rid of the wrinkles under my feet.

Thursday, September 17
It seems to be that I am not a good artist. All those art officials are very far from me. Just like they don't want to see me.

Friday, September 18
To everybody, who doesn't feel addressed. Let's say it's my diary, all about me.
Possibly you can use it as a mirror here and then. You can discover parts of yourself. Anyway, it will always be a distorted picture.
By no means I want to distroy nobody's dreams of entire understanding. I keep that dream for myself too.

Thursday, October 1
I heard that people are afraid of strange things or even strange people. I think the emptiness is what they fear. Because they haven't stored anything about yet. They don't know what might happen or what kind of feelings will arise.
Those things happen to me too. There are certain objects or even certain people I don't like in the beginning. They transfer unknown emotions and wavelengths. Therefore I start to block them and don't want them closer to me. I need a while till I am able to mingle their wavelengths with mine, so I can give them kind of positive connotation and appreciate them as a part of myself.

Sunday, October 25
Too much thinking can be exhausting. It's like you think and think and think and think... movies going through your head, analysis, understanding, finding solutions and so on. The problem is that all this thinking stays in your head. Better to materialise it. To give communication a chance. Exchanging views of life.

Monday, October 26
What I wrote about thinking made me feel uneasy, when I watched a documentary about Vietnamese people in Poland, yesterday evening. In Warsow there is a market called Hanoi market, where you can buy everything you want. Only Vietnamese people are working there, and, because they are controlled by the Vietnamese mafia, they don't like to be filmed. They said having the tv team around them would be bad for the business. Still the team got one woman shortly till she chased them off. She told them she was working 17 hours a day, 7 days, so she didn't have time to think about her husband and child, who had to stay in Vietnam. That means thinking is finally a luxury. But please consider, for me it's differently. I am not a Vietnames women, but I am a Swiss living in a snug environment. Thinking is an option I really want to use properly.

Monday, November 23
Four weeks have been passed. I feel tired, nothing to write about.
But I found a poem I would like to write down here.
To all men to make life better.

Man to Man

Macho man
Can't cook
Macho man
Can't sew
Macho man
Eats plenty Red Meat,
At home him is King,
From front garden to back garden
From de lift to de balcony
Him a supreme Master,
Controller.

Food mus ready
On time,
Cloth mus ready
On time,
Woman mus ready,
On time,
How Mucho can yu go?

Cum
Talk to me about sexuality,
Cum meditate,
Cum Save de Whale,
Dose bulging muscles need Thai Chi
Yu drunken eyes need herb tea,
Cum, Relax.

Macho Man
Can't cook, sew or wash him pants,
But Macho Man is in full control.

By Benjamin Zephaniah out of City Psalms
(Bloodaxe Books, 1992)