Friday, November 7
To be disciplined means to conceive how things are. Not to complain. But I have to admit that I don't feel comfortable in wintertime, the time of a running nose and coughing. Of feeling cold, of too much darkness. My awareness seems to be blocked. After all, winter is expensive. For me there is no fun in calculating if I'd rather freeze to save money than put the heating on and spend money. And when I feel warm for once for sure I will be haunted by an undefinably bad conscience ...have I been working hard enough to have the right to feel warm?

Thursday, November 20
What is positive about writing a diary, you can change every day. You can talk about everything you like, turn inside out. And probably the next day or a few days later things look differently.
There will be a time of sublimation soon. I fear it. I don't appreciate being alone. Will I change? I fear that I will be more fake. My behavoiur artifically happy.
Recently we talked about nicknames. I started to call myself Mimi, dedicated to my mother, who is called Mimi by her grandchildren. Yesterday, I handed my work 49days over to Kunsthalle Basel for the regionale9 exhibition.

Thursday, December 4
On our table looking like a last message lies the free daily paper - blick am abend - opened at page "single des tages". Am I single now? I don't think so. But somebody is missing. That's why a kind of new life is starting. No one to share life, no organising the day together, nobody, only me. That is shit called living apart together. But I want to survive it. And actually I had decided to make the best out of it. Not singing the blues all day. No, no, no. Being busy as normal, even more. Transforming the shit into something more convenient. The qualitiy of our lives should stay the same. Progress instead of depression. Time runs fast. The year will be finished soon. No fake view into the past - no golden days. Reality helps. Dreams included.

Saturday, December 6
I look awful. Is it because of the rain all day long or... I don't know. However, I am still not normal. Am I happy or sad? Yesterday my Yoga teacher said about me that I am person who loves freedom. And she's definitely right. To be free ist nice. But at the end of the day I want to know that there is somebody I can trust.

Tuesday, December 9
Tobaski today. For me my first day to work after two weeks off. Seems to me a very long time. And now I am here and feeling silly. Almost the same feeling when I returned from Gambia in January.

Wednesday, December 17
Living alone doesn't help me. It's not my choice. I feel disappointed and left alone. Of course I can look forward to travelling in two months time. I should not complain. I know. Anyhow, I would like to free myself from that burden which turns my mind into darkness. Again and again the question - did I do something wrong? Why not just think that I do right. Everything is fine. I am here to maintain our life. That we can do it good together. By the way, yesterday was the reconcilation day in South Africa. ANC: ON THIS DAY OF RECONCILIATION let us celebrate our nation and make a dedicated attempt to join hearts, minds and efforts for a united, non-racial, non-sexist, just and democratic South Africa.

Friday, December 19
Sorry, but I cannot stop complaining about winter. My body feels like it changed into a broken ship. Every part seems to creak and groan. Every movement is hurting.

Sunday, December 21
I have been running around to find a useful book. Finally I found one. Today, shops were open and business was doing its best. Even me, who is celebrating alone at home, was diving into the shopping hysteria.

Thursday, December 25
I cannot believe, it's over now. All this hectic and sparkling and twinkling has been coming to an end, finally. Now holidays are making us to enjoy all the nice gifts. Finished the competition between women to be the better host.
Last Christmas I spent in Senegal. Fortunately we could free our minds from that celebrating pressure.

Sunday, December 28
Today I have been thinking about how I use this diary: firstly to overcome my loneliness, that was actually the reason why I set it up. I also use it to get free from feelings, like when I am afraid or I feel treated wrongfully, cheated and so on or when I am exuberant. To clean myself from emotions to get ready for better things to do. And still I believe that is a useful thing to do. Nonetheless I fear those times I don't perceive correctly what I am doing - like in life... It can be the words I use or the pictures. No sensibility. I just reckon I am doing right. But how do others see me? Or do I consider myself as too good, too perfect... like a little dictator... Worst of all, nobody tells me directly, saying like ... Maren what are you writing there.... are you sure about it? Didn't you see there could be made a connection between your pictures and your writing? On the other hand that means I am not. But finally it's me who sees mistakes and in that case I have to correct and make everything fit into my point of view. Only, when I am too much caught into threads of my very personal memory do I add pictures which make me blind for a distant view. I just want to show that I am. Stubborn.

Tuesday, December 30
Weather changed and the sun is shining. I listen to music what makes me feel better.