Monday, September 8
Since long I have been thinking about pretending. Most of our lifes we spend our time doing things that we don't really want to do, but have to do. As a matter of fact we pretend that we enjoy doing them. We tell everybody how much we enjoyed our holidays, even when they had been a catastophe. Only because not to lose our face. Yet I am one of those who is likely to run her head against a wall. Often I refuse to pretend. On the contrary, I start to refer to every horrible detail. In other words, I clean myself on the behalf of the other. Of course, as a result I get dumped and feel cheap. Nobody likes to hear the truth, especially when it turns out to be filthy... For example, when somebody asks you - how are you doing? - I am sure more often than not you will answer that you are fine, even when your life is rather a mess. You don't want to go too far and lose your head. You prefer to display diplomatic behaviour.
I appreciate the long greeting ceremony in The Gambia. It's like cleaning yourself from annoying emotions till you come to a state of being that allows you to lead a decent conversation instead of going like a bull at a gate. There is still enough time to come to the point.

Sunday, September 28
Ramadan has almost finished. It's not because of Ramadan that I haven't written for such a long time, but I felt a break would be fine. However, since a few days I 've been thinking how I could start again.
When I 've been returning from my studio this afternoon, first of all I was very lucky. I was stopped by the police to have controlled my bike. They found several things missing or broken. One of them had already whipped out his receipt book, when they suddenly got an obviously important call, which made them change their behavoiur to being nice and just telling me that I had to buy a new bell. Yeah, and they disappeared. After, because of the nice weather, I continued pushing my bike and took a walk at the rhine side. You know, this is this special weather, when you can get the smell of luxuriancy. When expensive perfumes mix with the beguiling scent of marihuana. I call it the weather of desire.
Arrived at home I took a little sun on our balcony. I was reading -On Beauty- written by Zadie Smith and after some pages I hit a passage on a conversation between two women, who were talking about their degree of intellectuality. One of them confirmed that she loved poetry. She never used to read poems before till a year ago. After she couldn't stop. That very moment I thought of my mother, who told me once, when she was at my home, that she always carried a poem by Goethe with her. And as a result, I felt like I should call her. Yet it was not her, but my father who was immediately on the phone. So I talked to him quite a while. When he was about to release me to my mother, I heard her saying from far that she was fine and we decided not to waste words. But next time I will ask her, if she still likes poetry.

Monday, September 29
I am really not into numerology, which is a system in a mystical relationship between numbers and physical objects or living things. And yet, when I meet up with a certain number, for exmaple that one of a friend's birthday - lets say 29, which is actually the date of today - I somehow draw a line between that number (29) and that certain friend. Anyhow, I don't have a friend who's birthday is on the 29th. Does it mean today is a friends-free day? I think I'd rather see a number just as a number, nothing else..., than making any weird connections and prophecies.

Monday, October 13
Recently I met up with certain terms and characters: vanity, competition, harassing, diligence, arrogance aso. People fight to get the best seat in the late autumn sun.
Or is it the fear of the coming crises?
Aditionally we had some discussions about African laisser-faire attitude vers Babylon, the Western behaviour of feeling superior. From my heart I support the African way of life. But when I am under pressure by the well organised Western bureaucracy, my Afrcan heart don't help and I get depressed. I want to do it right, and I do it wrong. I take great pains, but small acknowledgement. Anyhow, I still don't give up. I think, sometimes to reach a goal you have to suffer. And when you make it you feel peaceful vibrations, you feel irie.

Monday, October 27
To look forward doing somthing is a good feeling. It's just you are fine and there is no need to worry. Nevertheless, when I am happy I often encounter ferocity. Like I don't deserve being contented. Or in other words, when I feel self contained a lot of people don't share that state of being, but try to break it. Besides, those who fight me openly I actually prefer, because I can perceive their aggression. Whereas them who suppress me either by power, because they weigh up themselves as socially superior, or by infringing on my character, because they enjoy power games, I better leave. Sadly enough, I arrvive at the conculusion that being successful is rather a question of power than of fair comment.