I have been carrying around the plan writing something like a blog on MALOLA's website for a long time. I am alone a lot and I like to communicate.
I have been back in Switzerland for six nights by now. Back from a nice journey to The Gambia and Senegal.
I started to watch the Africa Cup of Nations. Every evening I watch and fall asleep in front of the tv.
I restarted work last Friday for the Museums Night. I stayed there till 1:30 am. To be among a lot of people was something good that could happen to me. When I had arrived the day before entering my empty flat I could have had jumped out of of my room immediately. I realised that there was no way back to Africa at that very moment. The old world got me again and I couldn't escape. Even I am still looking forward to a different life I have to face up to the conditions given here like paying invoices, low temperatures, no seaside, swiss behaviour. The first thing I did was changing the position of my bed to fall asleep after. I woke up in the late afternoon and at least managed to go shopping for some food.
Concerning my art work I finished my painting Barki's top shop and began a new one called 50 days (a variation to 49 days in joburg) - 50 days till I see him... I will get a kind of visualised impression of what our realitionship means to me and our future.
Tuesday, January 29
There is not much to tell. I still watch the African Cup of Nations every evening. Tomorrow and on thursday I have to work. I am very sad to miss those matches. The West Africans are doing very good. Though for Senegal not much chance is left.
My work at the museum is starting slowly. I don't have any internet access at the moment. That's why I started to read Bessie Head's -A question of power-, which is difficult to read and understand, difficult to find out what is reality and what is imagination.
50 days is growing fine. It seems to be like to live again those weeks there.
Sunday, February 3
I am back... and I had a lot of work (running after money) last week that's why I am little stuck in my art work. Continuing Bessie Head's book I found some interesting sentence. She writes: Africa is troubled waters, you know. I'm a powerful swimmer in troubled waters. You'll only drown here. You're not linked up to the people here. You don't know any African languages. or Dog, filth, the Africans will eat you to death.
Friday, February 8
Sadists and masochists
Sometimes I feel the bad vibes of people, especially when I feel fine and I would like to share this feeling. But them, they cover me with there bad mood. It feels like they jump on me like hyenas and are about to destroy me.
Whereas when I am down myself, people seem show pity and try to help, what actually is nice. But after I realise that they do it only for the reason that they can estimate themselves as stronger. So my weakness gives them power.
Whereas climbers do it other way round. Them, they want me in best condition. They push me because I am part of them and only when I look good they can appear in a flattering light. But in their heart they look down on me. They additionally dominate me in a humilating way only for their own progress.
By the way, that can happen with friends too sometimes. It could be something like venegeance. Because they felt inferior before, they take advantage of their current superiority. On the other hand, when those big-headers are weak and I am good and strong, they try fighting me to keep up their leading and determining role. And then there are acquaintances who think they know me, for example as a friendly person with a helping hand. They want a Maren they know and they always have known, always nice and easy, best without any opinion of her own. However, that is for sure, I am not masochist, because I don't enjoy suffering and neither am I a sadist, because I don't enjoy making others suffer.
Sunday, February 10
Here some good statement I found in Wei Hui's -Marrying Buddha-: When you don't care about a person or thing she or he or it no longer exists. By contrast, the more you care, the more she or he or it draws energy from your fear and anxiety.
Monday, February 11
Do you know the feeling when u are calling and it is not him who is picking the phone, but the voice on the line is asking YOU if you want to talk to HER husband? Somehow I already sensed when I was there. At those nights, when he was coming home late or I heard him talking on the phone in a low and unusual soft voice. I asked whether it was a girlfriend, but he refused to talk about. So I let it go and tried not to spoil our time. But there was something that seperated us. Not that woman, but the unsaid truth that we could not trust each other. That we were not able to talk about what we our feelings.
Actually, I don't know what I want. I go to bed now and try to sleep. Maybe after things will have changed. But I am not the cheated woman!
Tuesday, February 12
I still don't know. Do we really need each other. But love shouldn't have any interest nor conditions. You are just very sure that the other one is there for you and that means no need to question it. No need to ask questions. Because you know about that love, you can live in peace. However, there are times all those thinkings cannot help. I definitely have to know what I want and what makes me feel comfortable. I don't want control. Trust must be given. Another woman doesn't mean automatically that I am worse or less beautiful. It just means love comes and goes and happens between different people. When competition arises it can increase the qualitiy of a relationsship, but it can also disturb harmony as a given structure that creates coherence.
Saturday, February 16
Lao-tzu: Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.and Those who know do not say, those who say do not know.
Sunday, February 17
Since I arrived in the Western World, I have lost a lot energy. My body feels heavy and drained, like an old laundry bag. Additonally I drink many coffees a day to fight my weariness, what makes me even more exhausted at the end of the day. Now is morning and I feel like I haven't slept.
Friday, February 22
I dream that one day we can make our living there.
Sunday, February 24
Up and down. I still like writing this diary.
Wednesday, February 27
Actually, writing this diary is more like talking to myself and getting clear about my views, wants and feelings.
I was looking for a nice bed, but I haven't found one.
Last weekend I visited my friend Yvonne. She handed a review over to me. It was about -musskeeba- by Corinne Banora. A swiss woman, who had lived in Gambia for a time and wrote a book about. It was released last October. I bought it yesterday and I am anxious to read it.
Thursday, February 28
My 50 days are almost finished. One week left. I was worrying about how to continue, but I decided to make an 80 days work after.
Last night I started to read -musskeeba- and I was so much concerned that I read almost half of it. It was like me was talking. Corinne Banora's book concretised my inner voice. Sometimes I was surprised that she dared to speak out what I had been carrying with me for long time. She seems to be a strong and responsible woman.
Friday, February 29
Yesterday my two friends, Cornelia and Theres, came for dinner and we had a laid-back evening together. Suddenly the death of Barbara Lüem became an issue. I was very shocked. We presumed she committed suicide, because she couldn't deal with the society's perversities anymore. As well as the teaching conditions and politics at the university in Basel, which are uncooperative and aloof.
But this morning I have found out that apparently she collapsed. Barbara was a very tall and strong woman, whom I often saw walking around in Basel, alone, but always willing to say hello in a friendly way. I was attending her seminars at university. I liked the way she was doing them. We were watching documentaries quietly and discussing and analysing them afterwards, what was illuminating and insightful.
