|diary > february,march 19|
i don't know why people always cheat on me. what do i do wrong?
To talk about the House of Culture Tintinto ... almost the same like a year ago when I wrote on my timeline at fb: I ask myself why I do this what gives me a lot of stress. Though my friends' replies were sobering: rewarding things required suffering and It's a vision no turning back. My question: will I ever be proud what I've achieved here? Yeah, why not just being light hearted and positive instead of putting more burdens on my shoulders. I know people who are just fine with what they do. No unnecessary questions about their doing. They do what they like. They do within their interest not bothering at all if what they do might be selfish. And them they are not selfish - they just can enjoy their life without feeling the need to share in order to justify their own cheerfulness. There is no guilt on my side either, but I am born and raised not to think much of myself. I was rewarded for being humble. But, back to the facts... I've learned that I will spend a lot more money than what I had signed to be the full sum. According to contract the house should have been finished in October 2017. My plans are already upside down. I had calculated half a year to get the place up and running. But still I am sitting here at my rented apartment in Sukuta coming to no comprehensible conclusion than thinking of those steps ahead like finishing sanitary facilities and solar system.
When I am reading and my eyes are capturing the words indeed, but my mind flows somewhere else, the following Latin saying mostly calls me back:
Legere, et non intellegere, neglegere est. What means as much as Reading but not understanding (what you read) is a waste of time (literally: is to neglect).
In other words I am not concentrated in that moment of reading and don't get the meaning of the written text.
I've decided neither to stress others nor myself. I feel like I've been putting pressure on me my whole life just to please in order to gain recognition. I wanted people to like and respect me and let me live in peace. But finally, if I made an effort or I did nothing wouldn't have made a difference. On the contrary it happened the lazier I was the more laidback the more people showed their interest. The cooler I stayed the more they cared for me. Recently I told my mother on phone that since a while people have been asking me to found an assembly. I told her that it turned out to be difficult to realise. I was very surprised about her reply. She said I was not born for such thing. I was born to enter already existing organizations. As family and having children seemed to be the most important thing in her eyes it could be that she meant I entered her family when I was born. I was really surprised she saw me as someone who travelled around getting access to unknown sets. Anyway, I let things happen and in case my person is needed I am there for sure.
When I walk around the corner to have a glass of white wine I feel guilty. I feel guilty because of poverty.
The House of Culture Tintinto should have been finished more than a year ago. I've given the money that was necessary according to contract to my constructor. I have added already a lot more. Sometimes I fear I lose everything. Sometimes I fear people will laugh about my naivety and point at me as a loser. Then there are moments I don't care. Life will go on anyhow.
A woman's Fate
There is this deep feeling of frustration. Everything I say or I do is wrong. I shouldn't even talk - do your housework. In case I talk it is just the talking of a woman. What means it cannot be of importance. Just woman. Man is more always. And when I try to state myself as a human being same as a man I will be punished by loud words of a shouting voice for this impertinence. I have to prove that I am aware of my inferiority or I will be persecuted as evil par excellence. How I think is empty reasoning. Women shouldn't think unless it is about domesticity. We are here to entertain men - being beautiful, sexy, caring and affirming manhood as the absolute perfection of mankind. Anything else is crime.