| archive > diary > february 17 | ||
| ||
|
Thursday, 16 well, when i am content and fine and people realise it, some of them tell me frequently: happy birthday whatever day it is. what lets me come to the conclusion that to be down and unhappy seems more common. by commenting my happiness with a birthday wish they emphasise the particularity of my happiness. but, celebrating the anniversary of birth usually happens just once a year on exactly that date we were born a certain number of years ago. that is why here and then i take their happy birthday on an ordinary day as kinda mocking my happiness. Tuesday, 14 as i love books and as i love the work of Yinka Shonibare i would like to share this announcement Monday, 13 I believe that the only true religion consists of having a good heart - Dalai Lama. The Mind Unleashed, fb 12. October 2016 Sunday, 12 okay... that bloke took it. i realised after when i prepared for going home yesterday and searched for it everywhere in my shop what actually is not a shop, but serves me as office or lets say makeshift studio. but i missed to find it, my galaxy S4, which i bought from my husband that time when the former government blocked social media like whatsApp and viber and i couldn't get connected with my iphone. later, i used it to listen to music only - lot of nice music someone had sent me via bluetooth. it is an allegation without proof, because i didn't see it. but i guess it happened when i was signing for the second time. he was already on his way out of my shop. then suddenly, as out of the blue he paused. he placed his can of fanta on that box, inside which my mom's grand piano still is waiting to be unpacked at tintinto site. again he asked me for another signature, forcefully. as i wrote yesterday i was in bad shape after crying my eyes out of their sockets and not able to resist his energy. i believe exactly in that very moment he used my absentmindedness to steal it. Saturday, 11 a strong young boy just entered without knocking, passed my room to find me on my sofa and asked for support of his football club. i was down after tears had cleared my soul and mechanically i pulled out money. he then asked me for a signature and mechanically i signed. don't even know what i signed. my mind was dumb like it still is. i've been criticised a lot for who i am, how i behave, how i look. there are times i feel alright and strong in what i am doing, still preparing my art center in tintinto. but then, when i am down i feel i am wrong only and nobody is interested in how and what it is about. these times of depression i mostly try to hide and cover. i know nobody wants to see me at the edge, deep desperation and the idea of suicide coming closer. - no, don't show it, behave like an elder. nevertheless, for a few moments i needed to put inside out and though the letters become blurred i am getting better. Monday, 6 we've talked about the changing of the date of birth. people make themselves younger to increase their opportunities in society; amongst others proofed through the advancing business of cosmetic surgery that is profiting from ingrained anxieties and stirring up fears. me, i did so in facebook and skype, because i thought i would be respected better. i thought when people know my real age they lost interest and wouldn't take me as friend. i thought people were biased towards older people and wouldn't appreciate a certain behaviour they usually acknowledged in a young person. Wenn die Alten die gleichen Wünsche, die gleichen Gefühle, die gleichen Rechtsforderungen wie in der Jugend bekunden, schockieren sie; bei ihnen wirken Liebe, Eifersucht widerwärtig oder lächerlich, Sexualität abstoßend, Gewalttätigkeit lachhaft.(1). (When old people express the same desires, the same feelings, the same legal demands as in youth, they shock; love, jealousy seem to be disgusting or ridiculous, sexuality ugly, violence ludicrous).(1) as the topic of changing date of birth arises also Kendell Geers who changed his date of birth to May 1968 comes to my mind. This referred to the political challenges that took place in Prague, Mexico and San Francisco in that month, and especially the consequence of the Paris uprising. At the same time there were also protests in Venice against apartheid and South Africa's participation in the Biennale. That was the last year South Africa was invited to the Biennale until 1993, so the date effectively marked the beginning of the cultural boycott specifically for the plastic arts. It was also the month in which Marcel Duchamp died. In changing the date of the most fundamental event of my life, I was trying to articulate a sense that we are more than the sum of our days, that the events outside our control can influence and change us perhaps more radically than familial ties. (2) i changed my date of birth some years ago, for a while. i realised people were more helpful and supporting. i changed it from 1958 to 1968, the year of the protests what to me on first hand meant the anti nuclear movement, anti capitalism, feminism, liberalisation, anti racism and the Woodstock Festival (what actually took place in 1969). yesterday, during our converstaion, while watching the final of the African Cup of Nations, i concluded that changing my year of birth would mean i had to forget ten years of my life. there are some things that happened in my life i desperately liked to forget, but a complete ten years. how about 1962, or was it 63, the first time i ran away from home and my mom found me laughing at the policestation with police officers who had picked me up somewhere on the street. okay, i could omit 1987 for example, and the whole pile of year drops down to the age of 57 instead of 58. no, i prefer to accept my life how it happened. (1) Simone de Beauvoir, Das Alter, Kindle eBook, La Vieillesse (1970) (2) Kendell Geers in Next Flag, Migros, Ringier Zürich 2005, p. 146
Sunday, 5 |