if i could do properly, i would write down how if feel. but voices and instructions advise me no to open up like a prostitute. rather putting on a mask that will reflect the demons. perhaps prostitute is not the right comparison. open like a wound full of blood and scab. then voices already warn me about using such an ugly image. or when i write that i feel desperate deep inside they ask: why don't you consult a shrink instead of displaying your disability to the public? nobody does so. common sense is in demand. contentment is happiness. what we need are sound views. alright, as a consequence i have to lie. if i don't feel fine, i will always say i am good. that is discipline. standing like a soldier. no psychedelic dreams, no feigned schizophrenia. forget about the 70s revealing your visions of whatever consistency they were. stop listening to Pink Floyd and Lucy in the Sky. no kaleidoscope nor flying horses. brainwash on behalf of rationality. but, what, when this stomach feeling of anxiety becomes reality and reason cannot overcome your emotions? my counsel give in, accept them. don't deny your feelings. i cannot run away from myself. you are who you are. i am not a star, not a public figure, not the director of an NGO. my name doesn't melt in people's mouths. no sparkling works that receive hundreds of likes. though when i post on facebook and i get 10 to 20 reactions i am proud of the resonance. however, back to the reality feeling of being an unimportant person. i was brought up to consider how the neighbours think about our family. Was denken die Nachbarn. Here in Gambia everybody tells you to be friendly with your neighbours. you never know - one day you will need their help. obviously that is a completely different approach to the topic neighbours. it is not about the reputation, but about helping each other. no selfishness, no ego. the reality of living in a community.
Monday, 2
i know the problem- it's all about me. we are living here in the pampas, the two of us cut off from the rest of the world caused by standing waters. most of the time - even i've reduced talking due to hearing my own voice's echo - i commend what i am doing. to let him share or participate. though, in his eyes it's all about me. but, it is not my intention to let him know about me. or let's say not only. of course there is also me. it is about comprehending, somehow doing together by knowing what the other one is up to. to take part in his life, i always wonder, try to find out what his mind is on. meanwhile he stays quiet. "i don't share my problems" he used to repeat himself what made me suspend enquiring, but proving more common and universal topics than my own small deeds and thoughts to provide a basis of communication.
Tuesday, 27
being under pressure i made too quick decisions. under pressure because of having to be productive, innovative, to keep up with society demands and do something useful. now i am here with a project condemned to death - in my eyes it has been looking like nothing goes for a while. at the moment it is about surviving heavy rainfalls that set the region under water and makes moving impossible. when i had the idea of an art center ten years ago i was full of straightforward power that what i had in my head was the ultimate thing to do. but already then it's realisation was a question i could not answer easily, but put aside as something that distraced me and i didn't want to consider.. when Simon Njami asked me if i wanted to do something or just enjoy my retirement i felt offended by such a suggestion and kicked the latter into the long grass where i am actually now. grasses growing relentlessly. some years later when i said yes to the plot it was the fresh air that made me to choose. and again some years later i found architects in Gambia, a contractor building with clay blocks as my idea was to build as natural as possible, who finally came out not to be reliable. though never stopping because i knew i had to finish what once started i am here lost in oblivion. as it is my fellow is about to leave the sinking ship. i am not able to convince him to stay. hence i come to the conclusion that i am just a loser who did everything wrong what makes every further step as heavy as lead.
Wednesday, 7
sometimes i don't know and then i feel ashamed that i don't know, because i should know. as an elder i have to know. but i decided not knowing isn't a crime and when i don't know i don't kill myself. when i don't know i feel well even i don't know.